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Roxy the Riveting

What you say to people is alien. Most people don't want to see anything beyond their own narrow vision and even when they do most simply manipulate it until it fits into their version of reality.

Consider how many delusional or belief trapped people you come across in your work. People that believe they can never find love, or that they aren't pretty enough, or simply unworthy of finding a mate.

Sometimes our pain or trauma shapes out reality and to see or get past that is HARD. It's not easy work to break down all that you've been told. For most, just questioning what they've been lead to believe can be very unnerving for them. There are days, even after all the therapy and healing that I've done, when it feels safer to create my reality than to follow someone else's even if their version is ultimately safer. It doesn't feel safe to me so I internalize and live in my own world.

I was raised Christian but, whenever I encounter someone who is really committed to their nurtured or taught religious beliefs, I ask, "Would you believe it if your parents didn't raise you that way." The majority say, 'No, probably not." They then move through their lives believing what they were told to.

I sorry you feel out of place love but, you have a chosen a path of truth and yes, it can feel very, very lonely. Me love you long time and from my POV, as someone who has dealt with insincere, fake people for almost all of my life, you are one of the most REAL people I've ever met. As Arden, as Karen, as a soul beyond what people see as your packaging, you are authentic but, still kind of alien (I like that about you).

Arden Leigh

Roxy - FEMBOT, not alien! Let's not get our sci-fi characterizations mixed 😉😉 ps love you 💋

Kai Ellis

So many gems from this piece. One of many:

"You have the right to create your own worlds with your own rules, and this is nowhere truer than in your relationships. All that matters is that everyone within them is happily agreeing to participate in them.

Fantasy becomes reality when you commit to it. Everything is made up. You might as well make it interesting to you."

When my girlfriend and I were first talking about being in a relationship and what kind of agreements we would make, she asked if I was committed to nonmonogamy. After all, I had been in so many nonmonogamous relationships. Doesn't that mean what I want is to always be in an open relationship from now on?

But that's not true at all. What's true, what I said to her, was that the right kind relationship can take on an infinite number of forms depending on the two people involved. And even then, what used to work might one day not work anymore, and if your relationship demands that you can never ever bring up the licenses and boundaries of your relationship and renegotiate them, then you're just guaranteeing that one day when either of your needs change you'll either stay together and be unfulfilled or split up so you can go through the same cycle with someone else again.

But then, even as I said that then, even as I type that now, I can feel the pull of well worn tracks, of relationship paths that have been carved into the terra firma of intimacy that are seductive in what I was always told would breed contempt - their familiarity.

Which I suppose makes the point that just because a kind of relationship doesn't reinvent the wheel, just because it's been done or described before, doesn't make it any less authentic for you to do it.

The challenge I've experienced in my own relationships is when either of us feels the need for a shift in the agreements, and then acts as if the agreements have changed but without getting the informed consent of the other person.

Have you found some helpful ways to make it more likely that both people - or however many people are in the relationship - will not just have the courage to push past the discomfort of saying out loud what they want, but will feel joyfully compelled to do so?

Anyway, thank you for writing this piece. Just bought your book and after I read it passed it on to a friend. You're changing the world.

Kylie McConnell

Dearest beloved sister,

Oh I just so love you. I love you! I have just "found" you through one of Monique's posts and adore reading your delight script! How delicious you are. Good to feel a sista!

I want to say thank you.
This made my heart melt:
"I've been trying to transcend my humanity all my life and it turns out the reality of it is really fucking lonely. I'm starting to feel like I belong on another planet. Like speaking the truths about which I am most passionate sounds like some kind of alien language to everyone else. Like I'm in the wrong era. An oracle out of her own time, a mad Cassandra howling in the wind. I'm everyone's favorite manic pixie dream geisha, but no one is granting me any fucking interiority."

You're speaking my language sister. Please, please, please know we need you. We need you to be YOU. FUCK. You know this valley is juicier than an inauthentic peak. You KNOW you're not alone here, even if every illusory sign invites you to believe so. You are speaking my alien language, and my God is it fucking enlightening to hear a familiar voice. I imagine you already are, and know, to please keep going. Your HELL YESes are my hell yeses, and I am cheerleading you on beyond what you could possibly imagine (even though I hear this is your forte ;)) So gimme all you got sista! And come play with me anytime, any way you want dear Goddess.

Arden, I love you so, beloved soul sister.

Now and ALLways




I can't help but to think of Donna Haraway - A Cyborg Manifesto while reading this. I'm guessing you've read that? That being said, your writing is amazing and this entry has spawned some excellent conversations about authenticity, intention and relationships.


Great post!
I feel the same way, I see everything around me as just "suggestions" for how to act. And most of those suggestions I don't like. I feel like most people don't feel the same way as me though. it's lonely. But it's way better than living as a slave to other's peoples wants, intentions and ideas.

Your dreams. Your reality!


So funny. I enjoy your writing Arden, and pass through your blog occasionally. On this occasion, the post is about my new housemate. Come see us in San Francisco. It would be nice to meet you in person as an FoF

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