Male Sexuality and How Shame Hurts Everyone

Last week I wrote a post on misogyny, and in particular how certain factions of men insist on perpetuating slut-shame, the idea of judging women as lesser for their sexual desires or actions. This week I want to focus on the shame that men face for their sexualities, and how we, as their partners, can help dispel that shame, and promote more happiness, self-acceptance, and awesome sex in the world, for all genders.

To be honest, part of me felt hesitant to even post that blog on misogyny, because I fear that in calling out poor male behavior in a select group of men, other men who might subscribe to tangential but unharmful behavior might feel lumped in to that category and begin to question themselves. Take BDSM, for example. In my post I referenced a Tumblr account dedicated to male supremacy that had misappropriated consensual BDSM practices into their belief in the genuine inferiority of females, and how angry that made me, since consensual BDSM and the proactive choice of female submission is something I hold dear to my heart. I fear that some men who are turned on by male dominance might worry that their desires for D/s correlate to actual misogyny, and blurring those lines doesn't help. A man who is sexually aroused by the idea of tying up a woman, beating her, and fucking her might very well be concerned that that arousal makes him a misogynist, or at best unfeminist, or at worst a sexual predator waiting to happen.

The media tends not to help either. Men aren't given many positive sexual role models, and the ones they do have often carry an unrealistic standard of masculinity to which they can't hold themselves -- James Bond, for instance. Maybe James Deen is a slightly more realistic example -- he promotes consent-based D/s play in his films and advocates for porn that is authentic and passionate, resulting in an inordinately high female viewership -- but even he is often portrayed unrealistically by the very nature of being in the porn industry. (The debate about the effects on relationships of the unrealistic nature of porn is another matter entirely, but porn is meant to be entertainment fantasy so I'm not judging that here.) But seriously, what prototypes does pop culture present for a man looking to model himself after a figure who is sexy, sex-positive, self-actualized, skilled in relationships, and not a brooding self-destructive douche? 

More often, the examples of male sexuality we see in the media are examples of male sexuality gone bad. The alleged rapists from Steubenville and Maryville. Woody Allen, and whether he's a pedophile. Various sports figures, and whether they're guilty of sexual assault. And to extend any sympathy toward the male populace in general when those topics come up is to open oneself to accusations of rape apology, because of course it is obvious that women are the victims in those situations, and whatever sympathy is to be had in those conversations is rightly designated to women, who fear for the more immediate need of their actual physical safety. To consider the negative effects that rape culture has on men is, politically speaking, entirely missing the point. But I think about these things because I partner with men and strive to cultivate empathy for their experiences on a transpersonal, apolitical level, and so I still fear the cumulative effects on men of having so many prevalent examples telling them their sexuality is always wrong, and so few examples where it's right.

"The thing you need to realize," my music producer said to me during one of our conversations at his studio, "is that men are scum. If you only knew the things that go through our heads most of the time. But once you understand that men are scum, then the world becomes okay to deal with." He's married and, I assume, monogamous, and was basically trying to explain that men have desires that are counter to such agreements all the time, but that once they accept this, they can table those desires and move on without acting on them. But inherent to his version of self-acceptance was the idea that male sexuality in its pure form is wrong, shameful, and bad, and that the only thing that makes men acceptable to society is for them to recognize their inherent wrongness and squelch its expression in an attempt to blend in with normalcy.

A recent article in Philosopher Mail talked about the speculation over the (then-possible, now-confirmed) lesbian relationship between Cara Delevingne and Michelle Rodriguez, and why it seemed to hold so many men in thrall:

One kind of answer begins with the residual guilt many men feel around sex. A good number of them spend the bulk of their formative adolescent years feeling that sex is something they want far more of, and far more urgently, than women. They would love to go further, try certain things, but the girls they know too often look straight through them and never call back. The scenarios in porn and in their imaginations seem incapable of being enacted with anyone available in the real world. The result is shame: it may end up seeming as though sex is an embarrassingly peculiar thing they made up themselves and can't persuade anyone else to partake in. Even outside of religious belief systems, even in this liberated age, it is only too easy for straight men to feel lonely, even dirty, about having a sex drive. Hence the relief of lesbianism for men. Here, at last, is incontrovertible proof of a point that should always have been, but isn't necessarily, obvious: that women want sex just as much as, and sometimes far more than, men; that women can be as uncompromising, imaginative and committed in its pursuit as any male.

Men are attracted to lesbianism because it proves to them that sex isn't only their idea. But here, then, is the tragic irony, of course. The more misogynistic slut-shaming that occurs where women are judged negatively for their sexual desires and actions, the more afraid women will be to admit to claiming sex as their idea too, and the more men will feel alone and isolated in their needs for sex. Shaming hurts everyone.

Just fyi guys, I would totally have sex with myself if you weren't around.

This was also covered in an op-ed piece in Psychology Today that I've referenced in a few previous posts. The author posits that men know on some level that women want to be animalistically, irrationally desired, but men aren't sure how to navigate that when it's so hard to tell when women want their advances or not.

It is difficult for men, especially those of us who appreciate and embrace the importance of being respectful and considerate toward women, to balance those attitudes with the animalistic, nonrational expressions of passion and desire that women want from us. Most men want to express those feelings as well—and some men, unfortunately, do so in ways that are hurtful and wrong. But I think it’s natural that men who respect and appreciate women are confused about when it’s acceptable to express those desires in a more primal, animalistic way. The problem for the considerate man, however, is how to express “overwhelming” desire within the constraints he holds himself to and he feels a woman is entitled to; in other words, he doesn't know how to be both the beast and the gentleman she wants and deserves.

The author goes on to attribute this ignorance in part to a confusion about women expressing sexual desire:

Men may feel loved and appreciated but not desired—they may feel needed but not wanted. And even when a woman does express desire for a man, he is often conditioned to question it or deny it, simply because he’s not accustomed to it.

This is also why I feel books like The Rules are such a bad, bad idea: because they encourage women to say no when they mean yes, muddying the waters of their actual yeses and confusing everyone about what they really want and when it's okay to come out and say it. This isn't the first time I've touched on the idea that a slut-shaming, low-number-of-sex-partners-praising culture causes women to be shy about expressing their sex drives, but do consider for a moment how confusing this behavior is for men who are trying to date them. If women face shame for expressing that maybe sex is their idea too, then they're going to be less likely to cop to it, and men are going to feel shame for thinking that they're alone in their wants. (Which makes the slut-shaming Return of Kings dudes I pointed out in my last post not only propagators of hate speech for their attitude toward women but also just really really stupid for creating a culture that gets in their own way of trying to have sex. Why they don't get that part is a mystery to me.)

But that's just one end of the spectrum. Even worse perhaps in society's eyes than letting your masculinity run rampant is not having your masculinity hold up to a socially imposed standard, or doing things that run seemingly counter to it. In my former life as a professional dominatrix I saw men every day who felt ashamed to admit their kink to anyone in their everyday lives, often including their sexual partners. For a man to admit that he wants to submit to a woman dominating him is especially scary. Similarly threatening perhaps is for a man to admit he doesn't have an interest in sex with just any willing and physically attractive woman, or doesn't want sex as much as society feels he should. Some men I know have been sexually assaulted by women and felt they couldn't speak up about it, because "bro, she went up to you in a bar and busted out her tits in your face, what's not to love!" Men are also subjected to double-standards, and they're less talked about. To get masculine sexuality "right" is a fine line to tread -- too desirous, or not desirous enough, and one is deemed wrong.

A current lover of mine confessed to me when we were last together that he felt comfortable asking for things in bed with me that he'd never been able to admit to wanting before, in large part because he knew about the sex-positive nature of my work, my being out about my kink, and that between pro-domming and lifestyle subbing there probably wasn't much I hadn't seen and done already, and also likely in part because he felt secure in my desire for him (because I MAKE IT CLEAR WHEN I WANT TO FUCK SOMEONE, you feel me?). He also told me that night that he'd experienced a great deal of shaming in his former relationship, and I could see the self-doubt that had caused in him, even in the way he emphatically pronounced his realization that he is actually an okay person, as though he were still defending himself against some last haunting apprehensions still echoing in his mind. In my understanding, it wasn't even so much a case of hearing your desires are in conflict with our relationship agreement and you should not act on them, but rather your desires are wrong and therefore there is something wrong with you for having them.

This seriously breaks me up, that someone I care about so much went through such a brutal attack on his sense of self, even though it happened long before I met him. And it breaks me up even more to know that this happens all the time, in all kinds of relationships. There are entire universes within our lovers that we aren't seeing, that we won't see unless we make it safe for them to show themselves.

I want to make it clear that I don't think that releasing shame or building comfort is a gendered responsibility. I don't think it is an inherent role of women to midwife their male partners into a feeling of safety; I don't think we're supposed to run around being Manic Pixie Dream Girls freeing the men in our lives from their psychological burdens (as much as I may sometimes fetishize that dynamic in the fantasyland of my relationships -- but hey, as Esther Perel said, "most of us get turned on at night by the very same things that we demonstrate against during the day — the erotic mind is not very politically correct.")

But I do think it is important for people in relationships to create a safe space for their partners to be truthful and authentic in talking about their desires, and to do so without fear of being shamed or judged. And since I write for a mostly female readership and mostly talk about hetero relationships, and specifically about seduction from the perspective of female agency, I want to specifically address how women can be sympathetic to the unique kind of shame men face around sex. I also have hopes that our partners will do the same for us. (Any men who want to write a similar post on how to do the same things for the issues specific to women, you have my full encouragement... actually, you have my desperate plea.)

Last weekend I assisted with my mentor Reid Mihalko's relationship seminar R10xLive in Las Vegas (video of the entire weekend will be available for purchase/download on his site soon, it was awesome and is totally worth checking out). One of the key things Reid teaches is the ability to ask for what you want, and to be able to hear what your partner wants without placing judgment. Important to that is the understanding that just because your partner has a desire doesn't obligate you to fulfill it, but also that just because you don't want to fulfill it doesn't mean you need judge it as wrong. It's possible to say, "That's totally cool that you want that, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable with doing it." (Or, "Okay, maybe once a year on your birthday.")

But at least that allows you to be truthful in your relationship and to lay the groundwork for accepting who you both are -- or accepting the fact that your needs and wants are so different that you might both be happier with other people who are more compatible. That allows you to hold space for one another and honor one another's authenticity, and then you can make decisions about your relationship as mature adults.

Or, more optimistically, conversations about sex can also result in shared yeses, and set both partners on the path to mutually fulfilling one another's desires and the greater shared intimacy that comes with that. I wrote for PassionateU recently about how sharing your sexual fantasies is an act of generosity, courage, and nobility because of the trust and safe dialogue that it fosters, and, in the best cases, the amazing sex it creates.

There's also the hugely important concept of microacceptance. Microacceptance, a term coined by Charlie Glickman, was basically thought up as the positive opposite of microaggressions -- microaggressions being tiny slights aimed at your partner that erode their confidence and self-image over time. Microacceptance is the practice of granting your partner continual moments of trust, care, appreciation, and well, acceptance. Validating a quality you love about your partner, thanking them for something they did for you, or holding space for them to talk about anything they want with you are all forms of this practice. Glickman writes:

A microacceptance tells your partner, your child, or your friend that you care about them. It demonstrates your positive regard for them, and shows that you value them as they are. It’s a gentle trickle of love that washes away shame much more effectively that a blast from a hose. Microacceptances create a foundation for a happy, healthy relationship.

It’s amazing how often people say things like, “My child/partner/friend knows that I love them.” I always want to ask how they can be so sure of that. Love and acceptance require attention and tending in order to thrive. And entropy increases everywhere, including in our relationships. When we don’t give them our attention, they start to fall apart.

Because we tend to remember negative experiences more acutely than positive ones, it's important to make sure that these moments of positivity add up over time. In fact, Dr. John Gottman says the number that best predicts whether a couple will be successful is a ratio of 5:1 -- five positive experiences for every negative one.

The key to trust is time and consistency. From my own personal experience, I know that responding to my partners in consistent ways that honor their truths has allowed me to build up a safe space for them to feel comfortable with me. At my best, I pride myself on my lovers' knowing that they can come to me with anything and I'll listen to them and hear them out.

And for me, that's really the crux of seduction. It's not just about getting someone to sleep with you -- as many of my misunderstanding critics have already said, that part is easy enough. What to me is the worthiest part of the work is engaging your curiosity about another human being, and allowing that curiosity to open up a space for them to be their truest selves with you, without fear of judgment or repercussion. Only then do you get to truly know someone. That is both seduction's greatest gift and its greatest reward.

And in the same spirit, don't settle for a relationship with anyone who doesn't do the same for you in return. I've been there, with lovers for whom I've held space and gotten to feel comfortable and open up with me, who really weren't interested in seeing the entirety of me as a person -- all the little details they weren't fully equipped to deal with, my insecurities, my strengths (equally as intimidating as my insecurities), my needs, my weird and complicated sexuality.

I once tentatively approached a partner about adding a dominance/submission element to our sex, and he, familiar with the kink world only through a few lame parties, apparently, replied to me, "All those fucking people think they're vampires." Other lovers were totally down for the fact that I wanted to have kinky sex, but couldn't be there with me when I needed support in coping with a depressive relapse. Still other men who never even made it to the intimacy stage with me responded to my history of pro-domme work with remarks like, "Babe, why would you do that? You're like, so smart." And there was always a ceiling to those relationships, there was always only so far they could go, because I wasn't able to be there with my whole self. Or rather, I brought my whole self to the table, but part of it always felt like it was just hitting a wall, going nowhere, like playing a game of handball with a beanbag that just falls to the ground when you toss it.

I think in doing this work, in learning how to become better partners and better lovers, we also learn more about what we need from others in return. So, maybe this post is also about how to release shame in ourselves. Because it's not fun for anyone -- male or female.

Comments

[Alyson Thiessen]

This is excellent!!! I am SO aware of that 'shame'…. I get it all the time. The men wanting to put me back into their box called "good girl/normal/and don't forget to blow me…". I have yet to find a romantic partner that wants to see 'all of me'….but I keep trying.

Thanks for putting this out there!!!

[Brian Sandman]

Very insightful and well written. Everyone is equal and walks the same bridge:not looking or looking down, but at eye level. No one is fit to judg.

[Paul D. Waite]

Good crikey, thank you for writing this.

I do feel like women have it harder than men with regards to sex and shame, but just like you say, I don’t find it at all easy to communicate sexual desire, because I really don’t want to be that creepy guy. It’s nice to have that recognised.

[StillAnnoymous]

Read Circumcision: The Hidden Trauma by Ronald Goldman if you really want to go deep on this question.

[Runsonmagic]

Arden, I appreciate the questions you're asking. Give me a week or two, and I'll post a full response.

[Michael Cargill]

It has always seemed strange to me that our culture praises male sexual conquest, yet condemns female sexual freedom. Especially when you consider that, in most cases, both sexes are required to participate. I actually find an experienced and free-spirited lady to be quite desirable.

[JOnathan Skydancer Schwarz]

the Goddess I am in a committed relationship with says I am a sex positive and self actualized man, I don't know about that, but what I do know is I am bi and out, I have 20+ years clean and semi serene in Narcotics Anonymous,a veteran , and was raised by the best parents, including an awesome step mother, because I was raised to believe that self pleasure is completely normal, my sexuality and desire for is completely natural, but as importantly to respect women and honor their yeses and nos. I have made mistakes, hell we all do, but for me I am completely comfortable in my skin and tell Goddess all of my deisres dark and otherwise. I would love to chat and discuss this further and I love Reid and Monique

[Daniel]

Both men and women (i.e. human society) deserve equal blame for the "shame" & ridicule that people must endure and face in their quests of self discovery via sexuality/erotic desires.

The trials and tribulations can (& quite often do) begin as early as puberty. This all being subjective to intolerant cultures &/or families, as well as the hate-filled rhetoric & practices of both governments & religious institutions. When you factor all of that in w/ a person's "friends" & peers then it creates an irrational and unbearable environment.

One that further ostracizes and isolates an individual to the point of developing an inferiority complex. It is then only a matter of time before the hopelessness, resentment, and self-loathing begin to flood the mind.

Further negative aspects and detrimental elements can be found in a large % of films, the media, video games, pop-culture, television, the internet, & the Adult Film industry.

While these entities do offer positive contributions to the debate, they are far too often guilty of doing little more than bombarding the human brain with false, laughable, and petty claims of fact, policy, and value.

I do not care if someone is SLGBT. If the intimacy/love affair is safe, sane, consensual, non-predatory, and non-violent then I say more power & happiness to all parties involved. My hope is that someday in the future, the human race will truly embrace this outlook/notion of equality/respect.

Thus, finally taking another step forward to owning up the belief that we are somehow these evolved and superior lifeforms. It was Mark Twain who said/wrote, "Man (I prefer to the term Humans) is (are) the only animal(s) that blushes (blush). Or needs to."

I have one for my fellow human beings. Humans are the only animals that are intolerant. Or desire to.

You are an open-minded, intelligent, compassionate, & brave person. That makes you a positive role model (for all genders) & a quality human being. I do sincerely hope that a lot more people will take the time to not just read your article, but to really think about how all of it pertains to the human experience.

You should really consider letting this article serve as one of the templates for your next book. Take care, stay real, and please keep on writing.

[Mark Pemburn]

Thank you. You provide some valuable insights.

One thing I might add, concerning the "men are scum" comment: It is due in large part to the way we're wired and it's only scummy if it comes out in hurtful behavior. For an interesting look at this, I suggest listening to the "This American Life" show titled "Testosterone", specifically, the segment with the transgendered man's experience with taking testosterone supplements. (http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/220/testosterone)

[Ardensirens]

Mark - I think you misunderstood the point of my including that conversation. You might want to reread that paragraph, in particular my comments in its final sentence.

[Olguk]

I think this is one of the bravest posts that Arden has posted. High Five.

[Mark Pemburn]

Arden: No, I understand your point. Do listen to the piece I linked to, though. It profoundly changed the way I regard my own habits of thought about sex.

The way we behave in the 21st Century is a product of millennia of socialization and the result of this, like it or not, is that our sexual instincts have been pushed into our shadow selves where they emerge willy-nilly under stress or when encouraged by group reactions against the norms. Grasping this intellectually helps in understanding why we behave as we do, but doesn't change much in the real world. Perhaps someday we'll evolve into a healthier relationship with sex. Work along the lines of your blog posts are helping to turn the tide.

[GoodDirtyWoman]

Wow! Great observations. It's too bad that all of the bad examples of men seem to get all of the attention, but there are many good and respectful men out there. It's just not easy for them to come out, especially among their peers.

You did a great job preaching to the choir on this issue, but we need to bring more conversations like this out in the open for everyone's benefit -- for the men who need it the most, and women, too.

[pgt]

Thank you for your thoughtful posts. It was a great reminder for me to clarify with my boyfriend what I really did like, but had objected to in the past due to social norms and other people's comfort. This also reminded to ask my boyfriend to not just ask about what he liked during sex, but what he liked physically. Where he liked to be touched while cuddling/snuggling? What was comfortable for him in terms of sleeping together etc. This post has taught me that I still have a lot to learn about my boyfriend despite how open and honest we are with each other. Apparently, I just need to think of the right questions to ask.

[Adam]

Hi Arden,

Male or female, we all have a sexual mechanism and I am sick of both sexes being shamed for it. If having sexual desire is something to be ashamed of, then shame me now for digesting food, breathing air, circulating blood and then worst of all - having a set of balls that produces an average of 1,500 sperm cells per second. Oh the shame!!!

If someone wants to shame me, they should at least shame me for my CHOICES - not for desires, instincts and mechanisms that I have no control over. Do I visualise what women will look like without clothes? You're damn right I do - this is my male heterosexual mechanism at work. I can't stop it or fight it and it isn't a choice. What I CHOOSE to do about it is what matters, and I would rather choose humor, charm, wit, intelligence, loyalty and love over deception, coercion or much worse.

I've read The Rules too. In fact, I read it while wondering how miraculous it is that men and women are able to hook up at all given how much bulls**t information we're given by centuries of religious and social pressure which tells us that sexual desire is a sin.

I realise I've only written a few paragraphs, but it's just taken me half an hour to write this because I've been so caught up in the thoughts that your blog has evoked and there is so much more I want to say. It's time to make some coffee and say thank you for such a great read.

[Steve Dee]

This is the best thing ever! So important, so what I need to hear and what I think we desperately need to talk about. I feel like none of this is being said to men and because of that, they have nowhere to take their shame, and they end up on the Return of Kings side of things.

I want to find a way to get this kind of information to the world, especially to young people...

[Steve Dee]

My own experience is that my partner's sexual shame was extremely contagious. She was unable to deal with her sexual desire, so repressed it to the point of asexuality, making all sex grudging where it wasn't non-existent. Slowly, over the years of being rebuffed I stopped asking, then stopped wanting to ask, and just hoped one day I would stop wanting.

[Arden Leigh]

Thanks Steve. Feel free to share the link out wherever you feel it might help.

Sent from my iPhone

[Brian Kaz]

Hi Arden. I've read several of your articles, think I even commented on one in the past, and while I find I don't agree with everything (I can't remember what, not important, nor the point of this comment), the one consistency that I've appreciated from them (you) is the notion of honesty in the context of relationships and sexuality. It's preached again in this very article. And I think that's something that people from every persuasion and ideology should adhere to. Being up front about desires, strengths, insecurities, curiosities, expectations eliminates mystery and annoying guesswork that usually kill or at least hamper relationships. Raw communication is tough, but, it's always been preferred and more rewarding. Also, it gets the nonsense out of the way and allows to build a rock solid foundation. Best - Brian.

[cj]

I think that this article is more about relationships than simply sexuality. In other words "if you i show all the parts of me even the parts I am ashamed of, would you still accept me." and eros in a relationship is one such area. That being said it is a briiliant and insighful article. Most Women cannot fathom how difficult it is to cope with rage and urge that is the male sex drive they have no point of reference, you are right that most decent men have this perennial struggle with shame thrown into the mix. It is refreshing to read from a woman trying to come to grips and succeding in most part with this subject.

[alpha male traits]

Great article. I really think that good guys should get a little more attention by women, instead they always look at the bad boy and blame him as the generalisation for all men.

[Max]

Hi Arden

I could have cried when I first read through this. I am in therapy right now, in part due to a childhood of sexual shame that had stunted my ability to connect with women as an adult. There is no support network for men to discuss any of this, probably because men are so scared to discuss their weaknesses, and for a while all I found online was the crazy AlphaMale stuff and guys insisting I "just get over it."

When I was young I heard comments from the women in my home ("girls will love you, you're not threatening [read: assertive] like other guys"), from school ("if a man looks at a naked woman and starts thinking about sex right away, he's a pig"), and friends ("all men are perverts at least a bit").

The message I got as a young boy was that my default sexuality was a perversion. It made me a de facto aggressor who needed to be shamed out of these gross compulsions. I thought my sexuality was tantamount to sexism.

For two years I'd only spoken with my therapist about these issues, but then I found this article. My whole life I thought I was alone in this, but here you are, a woman "on the other side" validating these feelings. The flip side of being taught that male sexuality is evil, is that women must not want it, so to see someone spell all this out and put all sexual desire on equal footing is the biggest mindfuck ever. A part of me knows it's true, but I also know that the shame is so internalized that it's going to take years before I can cast it aside completely.

Like I said, I seriously could cry. Great article.

Max

[S B]

I find almost nothing but shame within my sexuality. I have no sexual experience whatsoever. At 24 the last time I went on a date was 8 years ago (last kiss as well). Depression took me over early in high school, and that went all throughout college. I'm coming out of depression nowadays, but when I think about the topic of sexuality (god forbid MY sexuality) all hell breaks loose within my mind. The topic quite literally tortures me and it gets to the point where the question pops up: do you want to feel good today or do you want to dwell upon sexuality and feel terrible?
A huge reason I don't feel good about myself is that I have consumed an excessive amount of porn throughout my life, and plenty of it was hardcore. I'm not happy about this. I'm sick for doing for this. It was like a dirty secret all those years. Over time my sexual fantasies became more aggressive and rough towards women. I've mostly put that to rest though because of overwhelming shame, as well as a newfound submissive side (less shame). While fantasizing I would think more about the politics of the fantasy than the fantasy itself, and it would ruin everything. But honestly, having these fantasies while being a sociology major learning about feminism terrified me. I went to school each day feeling like a broken egg in a carton full of fresh eggs. Then I learned that some people who are feminists engage in S&M and similar behaviors. I used to speak with a sex blogger named "Girl on the Net" who opened my eyes to this, but over time sex positivity just made me very VERY confused and more nervous about the subject. And nobody seems to get where I'm coming from anyway.
I really do not feel comfortable with male dominance, and the shame makes me feel very tormented inside for being that way. You wrote, "I fear that some men who are turned on by male dominance might worry that their desires for D/s correlate to actual misogyny." I actually had to re-read that line over and over again because of the very complicated feelings it struck. Never before have I seen ANYONE acknowledge this, like, EVER! So in many ways this great article was a dream come true. The down side is that I can confirm that fear for you. I really can't help but believe I'm a set-in-stone misogynist for liking S/M type fantasies and porn. I don't understand how this behavior can ever be ok, and not be a product/side effect of patriarchy.
It also hurts to know what a failure I am with women even though depression hurt me so much. For almost everyone else sex is a no-brainer but for me I'd sometimes prefer asexuality. I'm 24 but having no sexual experience makes me feel like a teenager inside still.
Alright I'm done before I get more upset. Sorry for being depressing. And sorry for being the shameful guy of the bunch.

[Rexwell]

That the first comment up top is apparently from a woman who assumes that the subject must be women's shame illustrates how rarely male sexuality and shame are discussed and/or how inconceivable it may be in the minds of many to have that discussion. As a straight man, I appreciate the discussion and Arden's piece. The passage from the Philosopher Mail article, in particular, speaks to me; I plan to go read that.