Let me begin this blog entry by saying that I am extremely bad at the issue I am about to describe to you. It makes me deeply squicked and panicky just thinking about it. Hence, my reason for writing this post is that I'm hoping that by rationally, methodically dictating why the following move is not only helpful but possibly crucial to a successful seduction, perhaps I'll osmose more of a talent for it. Bear with me in the meantime.
I come from the old school of seduction. I'm a Casanova-style fantasy figure who sweeps in from out of nowhere and miraculously presents you with everything you've only ever dreamed about. I study you, profile you, and figure out what makes you tick so intricately that I can give you what you want before you even know you want it. (This often happens literally, by the way, and it delights me to no end.) It is through the outward focus of my attentions that my best work is done. I sidestep all the self-doubt that might trip me up by getting out of my own head and getting into yours. It's where I'm most comfortable.
This is a boon in our world of self-absorption. Most people are so caught up in worry about how others perceive them that they forget to actually pay attention to other people -- a remarkably counterproductive tactic because usually they end up falling prey to their own insecurities, acting like dicks, and pissing everyone off. In a world full of people like that, it's deeply disarming to meet someone who somehow knows how to put us at ease and make us feel good.
But then, as those who know me intimately would say, generosity is my default state. It's what I do. It's become almost a fetish of sorts, perhaps a sort of vermicular branching of my former sexual submission into a more artful, subtle yet proactive form of pleasure-giving. I'm a modern courtesan. I am the fucking Floating World come to life.
The trouble is that somehow I've managed to let an insidious double-standard creep in here. This is hilarious to me because I am so outspoken against the misandrist gender double-standards I see in the world (you can read me rant on some of them here and here). And what I realized was that in my quest to become America's Next Top Geisha, I've often deprived my targets of the pleasure that I myself most enjoy: the act of giving pleasure to another. I'm bad at receiving. Really, really bad at receiving.
Recently I solicited a man I've been seeing for some advice, as it was about a field in which he is far more well-versed than I. I felt trepidatious about even asking that much, because I am really bad at asking for things, but I figured a bit of brain-picking was ultimately a very reasonable request. What he offered me instead was a huge favor in helping to set me up with some resources that would be of tremendous help to me on the path to accomplishing my goals. This kind of freaked me out a bit. I made sure to explicitly state that I had not been looking for a favor when I called, and spent countless hours biting my fingernails worrying that he might think such a favor was what I was in it for all along, the idea of which kind of gave me a panic attack. (I mean, let's face it -- I'm a seductress. I know how bad I look on paper.) And then I stopped myself, cleared my head, and after some serious consideration realized that if our roles were reversed, if he had called me asking for my help and I had been able to offer a resource that would be of use to him, that would have made me feel fucking elated. And it was ultimately selfish of me to feel weird about accepting his generosity because that would deprive him of the pleasure he might take in doing something nice for me.
This is completely counterintuitive to me. I am actually feeling serious discomfort at this present moment writing this blog because I know that by the time I finish it I will have had to undergo some major adjustments to my core philosophy. Like, you mean to tell me love is actually a two-way street? In fact, if you are reading this right now, which means I actually finished it and posted it, you should congratulate me. I am way out of my comfort zone right now.
I related this issue to a trusted confidant, and he reiterated to me a bit of advice he'd himself received recently. "Arden, you can't achieve intimacy with someone if you never allow them to take care of you." Well, shit. I'VE BEEN DOING IT WRONG THIS WHOLE TIME.
Part of seduction is about making it very, very easy for someone to be with us. We create opportunities that are easy for our targets to say yes to, things for which they don't have to go too far out of their way. It's the dating equivalent of handing someone a pen and a dotted line at the end of your sales pitch. I'm notorious for making all the arrangements for an evening and simply telling a target when and where to show up. I take all the work out of the equation. And that's a great gift to be able to give someone. But part of me wonders if some of the reason I do this is because I'm afraid they'll flake at the first sign of any obstacle. And the answer to that is yes, yes I am afraid of that. And then I'm like, why am I dating people who are that flaky? Unless perhaps you consider that people in New York, or maybe just people in general, are inherently prone to flakiness. I once had a date with a woman who called to cancel at the last minute because her dog had been to the dentist that day and she felt bad leaving him home alone. Seriously, I can't make this up.
A related issue here is that it's become clear to me that in the past I have been really bad at selecting partners who are willing and/or capable of taking care of me. (You can read my admission regarding my sucky vetting process here.) The reasons for this are probably ultimately unimportant; obviously I had a shitty dad who didn't remotely take my needs into consideration (but seriously, who didn't?), as well as a longterm boyfriend who convinced me that any expression of anger or unhappiness was an unforgivable act of selfishness on my part, add to that a major crush who abandoned me when I was in the hospital on my birthday, and I spent a good chunk of the last decade crushing on guys I thought were cooler than me and who clearly couldn't be bothered with anything remotely resembling my emotional maintenance. It's fair to say that I've learned over time to become ridiculously self-sustaining.
But then this boy I like does something like, say, offer to pick up tickets for a show we'd planned on going to together, and I look at him like he has three heads. Why on earth would someone offer to pay to go to something I'd invited him to? (Actually, I think what was crossing my mind at the time was something like, But I know what the website is. I've ordered tickets there before. As if, you know, it were not possible to find the information through Google... which, to my credit, was probably not reliably within the skill sets of my previous four dates to said show. Again, my standard operating procedure is to remove as many obstacles as possible by taking care of the details myself.) But I think maybe I unwittingly acted like kind of a jackass by offering to take care of so much that it may have implied that I thought he was incapable, which I don't... it's just, I'm acting out of deep, deep habit here.
Not too long ago I stayed up late one night with one of my pick-up artist friends and we joked about the row we would cause if we ever decided to date one another. And then I turned to him seriously and said, "You know what would actually happen if we dated? We would both be so generous to one another that we would each end up thinking it was weird, and it would turn into some awkward one-up-manship kind of game, and ultimately you would drive me crazy because no matter how much I tried to reach out to you, you wouldn't let me get close enough to take care of you. And I would chase you down that rabbit hole and go insane because I would keep trying, and it would never be enough. I would self-destruct trying to keep up with you and you would never let me in. Why? When is it your turn for someone to take care of you instead of you always doing all the work?" He got very serious and said, "Arden, when you've been carrying a burden around all your life, you become used to it. But the moment you put it down, even for just a second, it becomes impossible to pick up again."
And maybe that's what I'm afraid of, ultimately, is that the minute I accept an ounce of caretaking from someone, I'm going to melt into an emotional invalid cripplingly dependent on whatever they're giving me, and then I won't be able to live without them. Life is so much easier when I don't expect anything from anyone.
I happened upon a recent blog entry written by my friend NC Shuva, a musician and controversial modern-day philosopher, about how he believes independent women will end up either lonely or in relationships with weak, leeching men. (The latter has indeed happened to me before, but to my credit, they were all really, really pretty.) NC is by no means a relationship expert, and he enjoys the fact that his ideas are so extreme as to spark debate amongst his followers, so his writings are often not intended to be followed to the letter. Still, some of his words struck me as relevant to the ideas I've had simmering in my mind:
By eliminating your need for a man, you are no longer interesting for a man. You see, we want to be needed. If you don’t need us what the fuck are we going to do around you? Especially those of us who are strong and dominant. Don’t confuse this with oppressive machoism. We just want to feel like our presence is needed, appreciated and therefore prized. When you have no need for us, we will not seek you out.
The truth, of course, is that I do feel the need for a partner in my life, but it's a weird kind of need, because what I need is someone upon whom I can direct my geisha-like pleasure-provider talents. I feel profoundly sad when I have no outlet for that (something I touch upon in this post). But I'm not sure that this ever registers as need, because it is admittedly unconventional. Even I realize how ridiculous it sounds to ask, "Would you do me the favor of letting me take you out and treat you to an amazing evening followed by a blowjob and a full-body massage?" But, you know, that does it for me. And it's selfish and stupid of me to think that maybe doing something like that for me wouldn't do it for somebody else.
And if I don't learn to let go every once in a while and let someone do something nice for me without my feeling weird or awkward or like I immediately have to reciprocate, I'm actually depriving them of the opportunity to enjoy the pleasurable act of making me happy. I feel seriously nervous about this and I know it's going to take some getting used to, but maybe at some point I'll feel secure enough to let someone else go online and buy the tickets for once.
I was once told by an interview councilor that if an interviewer asks you if you'd like a cup of tea or water, you should say yes because it makes them feel good to offer you some service. It provides some connection between you and the interviewer to grow from...
Hmm... reminds me of my mother..
Posted by: ned | 10/08/2012 at 11:54 AM
Yes! I often have to remind myself of this.
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Posted by: Arden Leigh | 10/08/2012 at 12:26 PM
Your years of submission to Collin combined with "Nutella-man" certainly left some scars...
Posted by: Alan L | 10/09/2012 at 04:19 AM
Whatever doesnt kill you makes you stronger...
Posted by: Arden Leigh | 10/09/2012 at 10:21 AM
Thank you, Arden, for once again managing to articulate the thoughts that I've always had, but was never fully aware of enough to express. (If that makes sense?) It's just so second nature for me to get inside a boy's mind and give him everything that I can to make him happy. It's a trait of mine that I could never live my life without. It takes work, but at the same time, it's always so much more of a joy than a burden. I definitely derive more pleasure from pleasing him than I do from having the attention directed back on myself. My girl friends (and parents!) just don't understand how I can spend so much time caught up in the details of another person, doing every little thing that I can to put a smile on his face and light up his world. I actually don't have any huge problems being taken care of in return, but I still prefer being the caretaker. Anyway, all non-constructive rambling aside, I adore reading your blog and finding such a kindred spirit for the side of myself that is less mild-mannered and more relationship-centric. I love finding my feelings in your words, especially since I live in an area where not many others share my views. You are a rock star.
Posted by: Sarah M. | 10/22/2012 at 01:48 PM
I subscribe to what you are saying, however ponder the fact that what you are describing reflects the traditional "caregiver model" of female, justified by a need for personal independence as opposed to compliance to socio-cultural norms, but still confirming the neo-classical biological gender model.
Posted by: Val | 11/21/2012 at 03:22 PM
Val - That is a way smarter way than I had ever thought of putting it! :)
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Posted by: Arden Leigh | 11/22/2012 at 04:08 AM
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