The Benefits of Non-Monogamy

I've been meaning to write this post for a while now -- and by "a while," I mean over a year. In pondering why it took me so long to start it, I realized that the main trouble with this topic is that it's not really an advice entry like the majority of my blog. Rather than recommending that you, my readers, subscribe to this particular philosophy, I'm more posing it as a unique and alternative possibility, a different -- and perhaps for you, better -- way of approaching things.

It's difficult for me as a seduction coach not to wholeheartedly endorse monogamy. After all, it's so popular among women. Most women, I would guess, read this blog in search of ways to attract, then isolate, then finally nail down into commitment the man of their dreams. And that's pretty much what I'm here to advise upon -- if your goal is monogamy, then I'm here to help you reach it.

But I've had some issues arise during monogamous situations in the past, and while I think monogamy's great on paper, problems often happen when it's put into practice. So during certain periods of my life, I've chosen non-monogamy as the best option for me, and I'd like to explain why I've felt that way.

1. Non-monogamy forces each partner to continue to work proactively on the relationship. Truthfully, even in monogamous situations, each partner should continue to work proactively on the relationship, but how many of us actually do? When we can put the official stamp on a relationship and say "This person is my girlfriend/boyfriend," there is a sense of safety and security that, while often pleasant, also allows us to slack off and take our partner for granted. We gain weight, get slovenly, treat our partner dismissively, or otherwise fail to continue to seduce, because we know that our partner is being fenced in by an agreement that if he cheats on us he will be ubiquitously deemed an asshole by our entire social circle. This isn't exactly the greatest motivation to stay with someone. Too often, this kind of pattern results in cheating anyway, or in the breakup of the relationship, or one leading to the other. Look at the divorce rate. When you box someone into a relationship, that relationship is still only as good as what's inside (or outside) the box. In a non-monogamous situation, however, we are aware that we must constantly strive to earn our partner's commitment, and it makes us better at being in the relationship. We wake up every day knowing that we owe it to our partner to be their best option, just as much today as the day we first won them, and we have the confidence to know that our partner is spending his time with us because he chooses to, not because his word obligates him to it. 

2. Cheating doesn't necessitate the end of the relationship. Let's face it, we all suffer from temptation from time to time, no matter how committed our relationship. The more something is forbidden to you, the more it will occupy your thoughts, and unfortunately, when it comes to sex, there is little that trumps novelty. "That which I have not fucked" will nearly always win out over "That which I have fucked." The irony however is that once fucked, those in the former category will be relegated to the latter. So often the best thing you can do to take the mystique out of that hot bartender at your local watering hole is just to give in and get it out of your system. This goes for both your man as well as yourself. Once the mystery is gone, the interest will likely dissipate. And if it doesn't? Then you or your partner were probably going to leave the relationship anyway. In a monogamous relationship, cheating usually necessitates a break-up or at the very least a whole lot of drama that comes with that breach of trust, but take away the "rule" regarding cheating and you will have fewer incidents that will cause you to break up with each other. You'll be able to continue to choose one another every day, not because you have to, but because you will have thoroughly evaluated the options around you and will still believe your partner to be the best one.

3. Breaking up is an unnecessary evil. One of the things that I love about seeing multiple people is that I don't ever have to break up with any of them. I just prioritize them based on how I feel about them and how they treat me. In a monogamous situation, if someone is treating you poorly, your options are basically to either put up with it or walk away from the situation entirely (even in lobbying for better treatment, you still need to be able to walk away in order for your pleas to hold any weight). However, when you have the option of seeing other people, you can simply choose to spend your time with whichever person is being the most fun. Instead of being stuck in a bad cycle and showing loyalty to someone no matter how they treat you, you can reward those who treat you well with your time and attention and punish those who treat you poorly with your withdrawal. Best of all, it gives those who treat you poorly the opportunity to redeem themselves -- if they return to you, ready to play nice, then they can come back. Your partners will learn, over time, that if they want to see you, they need to be nice to you. And if they're not, you can just as easily spend your time with someone else.

4. You're more able to evaluate who's actually right for you when you have multiple options. I try to teach women abundance mentality, which is the ability to hold the frame that there are many options out there that may be good for them. Too often I see women (myself included at times) who get so hooked on one guy that they feel completely uninspired to see anyone else, or worse, they feel that their seeing someone else will jeopardize their relationship with their first choice. Usually, however, it's the exact opposite: seeing multiple people will allow you to more clearly evaluate your various partners' strengths and weaknesses, and will allow even "that one guy you really want" to have to continue to earn you rather than take you for granted. Furthermore, it will allow you to appreciate who's actually right for you, and WHY they're right for you. You might learn that your first choice actually makes you feel miserable despite how attracted you might be to him, and that maybe your second or third choice, after a while, makes you feel so amazing that a more serious attraction to him builds over time.

5. You're not wasting time. How often do we hear women, having finally broken free from some asshole they were hooked on, exclaim, "God, I wasted so much time!"? If someone you were into ends up not being the right person for you, for whatever reason, continuing to see other people, however casually, will ameliorate the situation somewhat -- either someone else you're seeing WILL end up being the right person for you (perhaps surprisingly so, since we're more likely to date someone we might not otherwise take that seriously at first if we're allowing ourselves to see more than one person), or at least you will have had some other fun and excitement in the meantime -- at least you will know that you didn't let any other enticing options pass you by.

6. You can always be monogamous later. If you've been seeing someone for a while and he's really standing out among all your other options, making you feel good, and treating you well, after a while you will probably end up being monogamous in practice with him anyway, because you simply won't have a desire to be with anyone else around you. The difference is that you will have spent a significant amount of time making that decision, and making him prove that he's all he's cracked up to be. When we jump into monogamy too fast, we don't allow the space necessary for us to navigate someone's flaws and shortcomings, and we're often disappointed early on. If you are going to be monogamous with someone, it's probably better that you know him inside and out first, and go into your agreement with the confidence that the arrangement is going to work for the both of you. Often it'll just happen naturally, because you will both choose each other over everyone else again and again for the right reasons.

        *    *    *

It is the necessity of continuing to earn one another that makes a non-monogamous relationship, in my opinion, more truthful and genuine. The truth is that people in monogamous relationships also have to earn one another every day, but most of them aren't thinking about that all the time, and when they lose their partners, it comes as a hurtful shock. Had they been paying attention and, quite frankly, still healthfully competing amongst their partner's other available options, perhaps they would have learned to evolve with the relationship and with their partner's changing needs and been able to keep the relationship alive. But when you take something for granted that it's always going to be there, that's likely the moment you're going to lose it.

So no matter what the parameters of your relationship, be the better option. Always.

 

Comments

[Geo Quinn]

Thanks Arden for the brilliant insights!

[Calico]

Wow... I have nothing to argue here. Practical and brilliant.

[Arden Leigh]

Woot woot I got the Calico seal of approval! No sarcasm there - I wasnt sure how the poly folks would interpret this, though I do hope the implicit distinction between polyamory and nonmonogamy is clear here. So Im glad you dig. :) (I miss you, missy. Drinks soon!)

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

[Will]

and it's fun too.

[Will]

On a deeper note, I think that the tendency is for most people - whether they know it or not - to treat each other as property or accessories or whatnot. Just look at the lingo of introduction, my boyfriend, my wife, my lover, my mate. I think that for more evolved people, their partner's general happiness is what takes priority which is why I have observed that they tend to stay away from labels and just use names instead. Because once you stop thinking of your partner as an extension of yourself, your very persona, your way of thinking about yourself even, it becomes hard to, like, tell them that they can't do some of the things that they want to do, well, just because.

Like, say someone tries to paint your into a behavioural corner and you decide to proceed with a behaviour. From your perspective the question that you are putting to the person whom you have decided to disregard can be summarized as follows: "What are you going to do about it. Cry?"

[Hammer]

Doesn't the fact that you want to see other people and "weigh your options" mean that none of your options are really that awesome to begin with? That's been my experience.

Maybe I'm just inclined toward monogamy in a way that others aren't, but when I've been in committed relationships, temptation isn't there, because I just don't really see it that way. I'm not really attracted to other people. When I do start to see it that way, it's time to break up. I expect the same level of integrity from anyone I commit to.

[Arden Leigh]

@Hammer - Thats exactly what I describe in #6. The difference is that even when deep in #6, I allow for #2, and that rather than break up when things go sour as you suggest in your comments, I resort to #3 instead. There have certainly been times in my life Ive chosen to be fully monogamous. But they havent, in the end, necessarily been a reflection of how good the relationship is. A good relationship is a good relationship, no matter its parameters.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

[Colleen]

This is an interesting discussion, and I'm glad you're bringing it up in your blog. Non-monogamy in its many forms is a valid way of relationship-ing (er, yeah, I just made up a word :p)

Regarding #2... most of the poly and monogamy-flexible folk I know tend to define "cheating" as breaking the agreed-upon rules of the relationship for seeing other people.

[bea]

#2 really bothers me. monogamous or non-, cheating is cheating. it's doing something dishonestly, breaching trust, and is as damaging to an open or poly relationship as it is to a monogamous one.

[Will]

woteva. cheating happens and if the relationship is strong we'll deal or that's at least how i see it. nobody's perfect.

[payday loans]

Really nice work and I also thought that, If you are always in a relationship with one wife is that it is better, but if you're going to whine that your partner is selfish because she is sick and not looking after your needs and I would like to hazard a guess that you're probably better off single and able to sleep at any time on.

[AwwSkeetYouCheat]

I have a theory about about women who are players. It's really the same theory that women have about men who are players. They lack integrity and have an insecurity that makes them constantly crave acceptance from the opposite sex. My recent experience with a female player resulted in nasty run-ins with other guys and her stealing my identity. A crooked woman walks a crooked mile. Watch out guys. The same moral relativity that allows a woman to go out with you and sleep with other guys without a twinge of guilt probably extends to other areas of her life. You won't be able to trust her in any situation.

[MrZebra]

awwskeetyoucheat, i'd love you to explain exactly what it is about honest, open non-monogamy that lacks integrity.

[Arden Leigh]

@Awwskeetyoucheat -- Because honest, mutually agreed-upon non-monogamy is the same as theft?

@bea -- By "cheating" I meant vanilla, monogamy-defined cheating. Of course in a healthy relationship both partners will abide by the parameters they've agreed upon, but in a non-monogamous relationship the act of having sex with another person is not necessarily a betrayal.

[Devilzbabe]

Question regarding the "cheating" concept in #2 - does this mean in a non-monogamous relationship one should refrain from telling each of her partners that she is seeing someone else? How much information would you actually advise revealing to a partner?

[Arden Leigh]

@devilzbabe - I think that definitely depends on the individuals involved, and that at some point thats a talk you have to have outright. For me, I know if it got back to me that my partner was with someone else and I didnt know about it, that might bother me, so if its someone close to our social circles Id probably want to know first. But if hes on tour in other parts of the country and he wants to bang some groupie one night, I probably wouldnt care since its highly unlikely that it would affect me socially. But everyones different. A lot of people subscribe to the just dont let me find out about it philosophy. My only problem with that is, what if I DO find out about it?

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

[Pyr]

As a polyamorous person, I feel a bit weird about this post for several reasons. Most seriously: ethical non-monogamy means that if your man also wants to have multiple partners, he can have them too. But then you write "after a while you will probably end up being monogamous in practice with him anyway, because you simply won't have a desire to be with anyone else around you" - which is something that *few* practicioners of non-monogamy experience.

Why limit yourself all of a sudden? You have an abundance of love, there's really no reason to give it up. But even if *you* should decide that this man is "enough" for *you* - what if he doesn't feel the same way? What if he wants to continue seeing multiple partners? It's important to know that he isn't suddenly invalid in seeing other women. And then what?

Another thing: hurtful cheating is still possible in non-monogamy. If you don't follow the rules you laid down together with your partner(s), then this can still cause all kinds of discomfort for everyone involved, which is of course often sufficient to end the relationship.

Your post sounds like an advice to women that are in the end only searching for "the one" to step into the world of non-monogamy as a temporary measure to reach their goals sooner. This is *really* bad advice, I think.

[Arden Leigh]

Well, its worse advice to jump into monogamy too soon, in my opinion. And my blog is not written specifically for polyamorous people, so your audience might be a bit different. Good communication should solve most if not all of the issues you mention however. And yes, I agree that a mono person should not try to convert a poly person, and also agree that in most circumstances (unless its say, a cuckolding relationship), both partners should be entitled to multiple partners so there is a balance on each side.

[Karen]

My husband and I are at the talking stage for partnered non-monogamy and looking for resources. Do any kind of support organizations exist for talking to other people to have alternative relationship styles? Karen

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