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Is this a blowing off of steam, or a request for advice?

Arden Leigh

Blogs are never requests for personal advice but public discussion is always encouraged.

Sent from my iPhone

Arden Leigh
The New Rules Of Attraction on Amazon
Arden and the Wolves on iTunes


Fantastic read. Thank you for the perspective and insight:) If it weren't 2:30 in the morning I'd say more about how what you said strikes a chord. But more simply, it does, and thanks for sharing.


wow. Nailed it.

I had a hard lesson a couple weeks ago when I watched someone in real time running away from me because too much intimacy too quickly. I thought for sure I'd bricked another relationship, and was simultaneously trying to figure out where I went wrong and not finding anything I'd done to deserve the sudden not only cold shoulder, but actively over-the-top engaging of anyone who was on the far side of me.

Surrendering to the reality of what was - and with the support of my friends - I came again to a place I've found myself, sometimes joyfully, sometimes infuriatingly -- "it's not about me."

And sometimes you just wanna punch some zen f***er in the face and scream, "when /does/ it get to be about me? aahhhhhhhhh!!!!" shortly before realizing that this too shall pass. Apparently being on the cutting edge has disadvantages. Who knew?

I think that's part of the magic of co-creation though. If you're not co-creating together, you're not really relating, and part of that is communication. Perhaps working backwards through our own mastery is the burden we carry for incarnating in a species groggily waking up from thousands of years of trauma to realize we don't know who we are or what we're capable of until we start pushing those boundaries. And after doing so for a couple decades, the mockery of our self-appointed philosophical righteousness that has been the justification for everything our culture praises itself for on a wide scale is blazingly apparent.

There is hope though. The Ancient Books say, "the meek shall inherit the earth," and I think we're pretty solidly headed in that direction already. #transitions #sillyhumans


As a political advisor (day job) and sexological bodyworker (secret side job), I so feel you on this.

There is never just one tribe. But hang in there. Perhaps you will not meet your family. But you will find people that you feel comfortable with outside of sex ed, even if they don't know quite as much as you.

There are good people around. You will know them when you meet them. You will feel it in your guts and your bones. Trust me on this.


Love this post and your line of thought here, especially your points about speaking in formulas vs. taking the concepts and translating them back for one's target audience.

You're right; the separation is artificial and often ignores the many, many people outside this bubble who are strongly interested in, and invested in, building and maintaining healthier, more fulfilling relationships and intimate connections. I think a key difference here is whether date your species (or any other measure of compatibility) is defined as "people who share the same skillsets as you," "people who share the same identities," or "people who share the same values as you."

Someone can have similar, even overlapping, identities and/or skillsets for relating but if core values and priorities are in conflict, the relationship will not be a peaceful one.

Identities change. Skills can be shared and learned. The pull to learn the skills, or to make needed changes in one's life—and more generally, the core of what is important to you also being important to them—has to come from within the person themself.

That's the real reason it can be difficult for a mystic and an avowed skeptic, or an athlete and someone who prefers cozy stillness over movement, to maintain a relationship without very strong shared values elsewhere *and* a willingness to see the other's values as important and worthy.

The last is one place where, as your piece points out, sex geeks and other tribes of identity can often become exclusionary. There's a lot of valuable discussion in sex-critical (as opposed to sex-positive or sex-negative) circles about this.

It can be more satisfying (and more hopeful) to see an opt-in loved one (as opposed to family of origin/by marriage, where it's more about circumstance), or even oneself, as not having the skills necessary for a given connection to thrive than it is to see that someone very important to one didn't share key priorities, values, goals, or ideals, and wasn't willing (in every sense of the word will) to treat those with care simply because they were important to their loved one.

Anna Marti

Deeply appreciate that you've written and posted this. As a sex educator and intimacy coach, straddling the communities you describe as well, I've experienced my own versions of your musings. Another challenging aspect has been consistently when I go out with someone and within one meeting they communicate they feel 'so safe and connected with me' and take it personally, when the truth is, most people feel safe and connected with me, it's what we are paid to provide. Then I am faced with the difficult conversation of reporting that this 'connection' is not reciprocal in the way they assume. Truth is, and I'm an older woman, the pool gets smaller, and the kind of sex and relating that I was willing, wanting to engage in when I was younger, is no longer interesting or desirable to me.


When playing an instrument, you can play a piece reading the sheet music or from memory. Once you play from memory enough, it's possible to fall asleep and daydream and forget where you are, going straight into expressing the emotion of the piece while the "muscle memory" take care of the details.

You've studied all the sheet music and collaborated with musicians of all sorts. Perhaps it's time to start composing and aspire to forget that the sheet music, and maybe even the instrument, are there. As all that effort that's exhausting you now will become subconscious and effortless.

Also, thinking of anyone as "a muggle" or "a different species" is a little revealing – surely you don't think think your partners are actually genetically inferior to you. Where is the desire to use language that implies it coming from?

A one dimensional dom / sub model is sometimes useful, but often biased and certainly not the only one. Learn to doubt yourself -- it's the only way to keep growing.


I've been reading your blog (and book when it was released) for a while, definitely get the impression that you're an NT Myers-Briggs which gives you a tendency to over-analyze and live in your head.

Even still, I think that with your level of experience and practice, you should have a high level of unconscious competence; maybe it's time to stop worrying so much about how you treat other people and trust yourself more.

As a fellow sex geek I find your analytical nature and whole approach in general to be very attractive; not saying you should limit yourself to sex geeks but at least limit yourself to people who appreciate your sex-geekery.

In addition to being a sex geek, I'm also a sales person by trade, so the art of persuasion and effective communication are kind of my thing, and I lead with this when I date. In my "grounding story" about how I got into sales, the fact that I find persuasion fascinating and fun is a fundamental part of this. People either appreciate/dig it or they don't.


I think, and just based off of reading as someone who is firmly NOT embedded in the link community, that there seems to be too much thinking and not enough feeling? Like you're obviously extremely smart and articulate, but I have no idea about what half of you said means and it sounds like a bunch of pyschobabble. Sometimes getting too much into headspace just screws with normal thoughts and relationships. Agree with what you said about classism. Very true

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