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09/14/2015

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Josh

The skills used to go through pain are the same skills used in lots of areas of life. Stuff like discipline, spirit, intent.

These are all very real and very powerful tools to have in your psyche.

You remember the Samurai, Bushido? It's the same thing. Going through this emotional tempering draws out of you your greatest strengths. There's no right or wrong way to do it, you have to follow your heart and do what you feel is best.

Like with any skill you can train it, master it like a fine art, have fun with it, enjoy it, do what you want with it. You trained it its yours.

Artemis

Dear Arden,

My parents divorced when I was seven. There was a messy custody battle in court. And the late eighties was worse for that kind of thing than the nineties. Feeling your pain babe. Except I didn't want to be with my mother. Thank the goddess they awarded my father custody.

Austin aka FYC

*"No kinky person should have to feel shame for being assumed to be an abuse victim, but no abuse victim should have to feel shame for being kinky."*

No kinky person should have to feel shame for their desires and consensual (non-coerced) choices, just as an abuse victim should never have to feel shame for being the victim of abuse.

There is a flip side to this - one that many budding Tops and Dominants trip over. Society defines "abuse" and overcoming that definition in their own head is extraordinarily difficult for many. Once freed from the societal constraints, they rush headlong into "I have consent - therefore I can do" without thought of both the short and long term repercussions of their partner (whether play or relational). It is a fine line that must be tread, because consent does not negate responsibility (for either "side").

Yet you call to mind an interesting question. As a submissive, do you not "rob" both yourself and your partner of the full experience if you are forced to disassociate from the moment? Sure, you may still fly due to an endorphin high caused by physical stimulus, but does not disassociation cause of degree of separation between you and your partner, emotionally and mentally?

*"When my first kink-oriented lover introduced me to sadomasochism, I wanted to endure the pain he was giving me, to push through it for both the sake of his pleasure and for my own curiosity."*

So many submissive people do this - "endure" for the sake of their partner's pleasure. Over time this causes them to disassociate - from the situation (not just the "play") because pain is not for everyone. For those who simply "endure" rather than finding a fulfilling satisfaction in it, communicate openly with your partner. Let him or her know what is and is not working for you - this is critical to ALL relationships, but even more so for those in the BDSM world.

Yin Q

Thank you for this eloquent essay on trauma and the healing arts of BDSM. Those of us who have had violence stitched into our souls at a young age can find transcendence and healing in the mindful practice of BDSM. It saved me, as well.
with tender, leather heart,
Yin Q.

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