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It's worth reading Fifty Shades of Grey, because it's not at all what you'd expect based on the hype. There is very little S&M in it. It's not about Christian sexually liberating this innocent, inexperienced girl. It's about Anastasia converting Christian back to the world of vanilla sex and normal relationships.

It's a great example of a fantasy prevalent among many women. There's a male character who is extremely good looking, charismatic, powerful, probably quite rich, and he falls for the girl who -- aside from being a little bit good looking -- is otherwise unremarkable. It's not a new fantasy either, just look at Lizzie Bennet.

The message is that all it takes to get the top 0.001% of men is just being your quirky, sarcastic little self, so don't worry about working at anything. The exact same message as The Secret. It's fantasies being sold to people who want to have their laziness and lack of drive validated.


Until we get past: the stud vs slut,
women gossiping about other women being sluts as a way of asserting their pecking order,
men getting the hump with a 'goer' (from other men or women) spurning them.

Men expecting a spontaneous sex kitten

Women lying to themseleves about their own sexuality.

We still have a long way to go!


Wow, your blog feels as though I've written it. I completely agree with you on everything. I almost started to think I was the only one who had those kind of opinions and attitude. That's why I never really understood women and I don't like to hang out with them because I don't get their way of thinking.
I believe in getting what you want, I love sex as much as men, maybe even more, and I'm not ashamed of it, and it certainly doesn't make me a slut.
You've really given me the inspiration to improve my game. Can't wait to buy (and read) the book.

Destin Gerek

We are clearly playing for the same team.
This is precisely how my Erotic Rockstar archetype came into being.
Thank you for putting words to it so well...


"They want to make women happy and satisfy them sexually, but they're not sure when their advances are going to be welcomed, even by their own partners, and given the choice between frightening or annoying women with their aggression and possibly boring women with their inaction or politeness, they tend to err on the side of caution by choosing the latter -- and that to wait or ask for permission seems to defeat the purpose and ruin the fantasy."

It's really refreshing to hear a woman address this, speaking as someone who is (unfortunately) terrified of my advances being unwanted, to the point of paralysis. I thought I was alone in this, but hearing you address it as a wider problem makes me feel better. :)

There is a self-esteem issue here as well, though, in that a man who doesn't think he's attractive or interesting will have additional reasons to not flirt with a woman, but the cultural misconception that women don't want sex certainly widens the gulf. There seems to be a lot of shy guys who choose to be boring out of safety, and total asses who don't care to the point of being aggressive and insensitive. The healthy in-between of flirtatious but not aggressive appears rare.

Thanks for writing this post. It's nice to hear a balanced and rational view of these things that is neither selfish nor self-abusing.


"I think it's noteworthy that on a commercial level (since that's one of the main metrics we use to judge popularity these days) he's been so successful, and also that he's oftentimes so far removed from the standards that our IRL boys strive for when they attempt to be sexually appealing. Most men who aim for sex appeal think that it's synonymous with buffing up -- but who's getting more play, Christian Grey or The Situation?"

Given your mention of Edward Cullen as an example of such a character, I think it would be important for you to consider that the other main male character in the Twilight series is Jacob who is more in line with what you say about men thinking.


As a guy my self that lives in his own fantasy I never thought to actually consider what her fantasy might be yet alone try to appeal to it. As imo role play is the best part of any relationship, I guess you could say I have been inspired now to consider her fantasy over my own.

Guess I should put this all to the test then. :)


The other night I was out with my man and we were making fun of all the douchebags in button ups trying to impress women. He then told me when he was younger he used to put on makeup to go out and the older women would flock to him, paying no mind to the other guys in suits. It turned me on just thinking about it ;)

Jennifer Link

That boy in the leather jacket was one of the only things I found interesting about that movie. But I did enjoy reading the Twilight series and the movies were cheesy but I enjoyed those too! But I'll read or watch most anything about vampires.

I would suggest reading Twilight (the first book, the rest you could probably skip if you're not into it) because it is such a romance story. And Fifty because it was so widely popular. I think they could inform your writing on subjects like this. Plus they are super easy reads.


Unfortunately, there is a lot of popular media out there that drowns what you are saying. Yes it does need to be heralded by women. Just as women fear they need to be perfect, so do men. How many movies do you see that depict a long term couple's happy sex life? Or depict it between people who aren't perfectly gorgeous or rich?

Furthermore, there are very loud voices out there actively denying what you say, from the radical feminists that overwhelmingly dominate feminist discourse online to conservatives to evangelical Christians, to PUAs shouting the message that women do NOT enjoy sex for its own sake. And a little less loudly, that women do not want companionship or the esteem of others for their own sake. Magical thinking and ideology dominate the conversation.

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