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03/07/2013

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Gray

Actually, you can think that the Alec Baldwin character is an asshole and still not be complacent about your life or satisfied with the already-fuckton of accomplishments you've made. But then again, we already know we disagree about the Cracked article. Aside from that, though, this blogpost? Spot-on.

Bex

While I agree wholeheartedly in the belief that many of us have more power than we give ourselves credit for, it isn't particularly helpful to outright deny privileges that exist either.

You do have things in you that other people do not - maybe not the people who make up the largest target market for your blog, who probably like me primarily enjoy white-cis privilege, true, but I would venture a guess that at least a few of your readers exist within groups who have less systemic power than you or I.

Of course, existing in a world which stacks power against you isn't a good reason to give up. As far as I can see, it is a reason to work harder.

Maven4

"That's the thing. I don't have any advantage that most people I encounter in my daily life don't also have. I wasn't born with Adriana Lima's body, I don't have a trust fund, I don't have a powerful family who opened doors into the world of business, media, publishing, or entertainment for me. I do have a great and supportive mom and stepdad who made sure I got a good education. Beyond that? My starting stats were pretty goddamn average."

Well, kudos to you for that. But you had one thing - you have pussy. I was born with a dick.
I had loving parents, good education, I can work on my career (STEM guy), sweat by butt at gym and perfect my game but that's it. My sex rank is about 8 and that's it - I don't stand a chance of building multi-million fortune before 40-50yrs old. I might become 9 in few years when my career progresses or I open my own business.

As women - more than 50% of your value come mostly from your body. It's like 1-2 years at gym, few lessons in makeup and being good in bed.
Nothing to compare to the time typical guy has to work for his career, muscles and game.

Therefore, I am respectful for value you created, but please do not tell me how much work you put into yourself. For typical guy it is 10x longer/harder.

Maven4

One more note - on the bright side - guy's value stays for much longer.
However, the main message is the same - it's waaaaaaay easier for girl to develop her value.

Ardensirens

Bex - Hence my use of the phrase "pretty goddamn average." Obviously there are always people who unfortunately start below the average line.

Maven - I have published a book, released an album, started a company, AND managed to look the way I look and game the way I game. Ten times harder? Really? Because obviously women TOTALLY don't need to be smart or interesting to be attractive, and also it is way super easy to be pretty. Fuck you.

Emily

Maven- I hear a lot of men say shit like this. Yes, women can obviously do a lot more to change their appearance. But there is still so much that you can add to your value that has nothing to do with your career and your appearance. My partner is attractive, but I have been with men who are better looking. He has an okay career (again, I have dated men who made A LOT more money). I am with him because he is an interesting person. He is always trying to learn new things and have lots of hobbies. He rock climbs, hikes, cooks, is well read, travels the country on his motorcycle, is extremely skilled in rope bondage, does wood working and speaks German (self taught). Because of these things, he is a great conversationalist and can offer me a lot of exciting experiences. You can be a great looking guy with a lot of money and still be really fucking boring. And the same goes for women. You can be really pretty and find guys that will want to fuck you. But there has to be more to that to keep a relationship going (successfully). As Arden said in a past entry (paraphrasing here), both parties need to be constantly striving to be the best option for their partner. I think you are missing the point. This isn't a gender competition.

Ardensirens

Emily - Agreed. Thank you.

Maven - I will also add that if you are so shallow to think that the only value a woman contributes is her looks and that your own self-worth is defined by your money, then you deserve whatever shitty-ass relationship you get yourself into.

Maven4

Ardensirens
> I have published a book, released an album, started a company
Great for man, but less/not important for woman.
Even worse - you might scare decent guy with your dominatrix career.

> managed to look the way I look and game the way I game
That's what counts.
However, being out-of-shape is just your lost value to repair, not something you had to work on.

> you are so shallow to think that the only value a woman contributes is her looks
For me at least 50% of girls value is her looks.
Of course I am shallow - that's what game teaches us. Why I shall decide for a girl which does not give me boner? I am man - I was designed to fuck as much as possible. Why shall I pretend it's opposite?
Currently, thanks to my beta programming I still prefer one girl from harem, but this is finally my choice now.


Emily
> He rock climbs, hikes, cooks, is well read, travels the country on his motorcycle, is extremely skilled in rope bondage, does wood working and speaks German (self taught).
Profile similar to mine - probably 7-8 range (maybe 9 if he's tall, I am average).

Problem for a guy is that after developing yourself at gym, learning personality/game, having interests and decent career, the only thing left to develop is fame or/and wealth - and it is very hard to develop (if ever).

Girl has this value from start just by being young and having pussy.
What I see most of girls are eager to destroy this value (getting fat, sluting around, drugs, entitlement attitude, etc.)

Ardensirens

Maven - Actually your value is lowered most by your limiting beliefs. I don't know what you look like or what you do for a living, but I can tell you right now I would never in a million years date you, solely based on your comments on this thread. Might wanna look into that if you're so worried about increasing value.

As for women adding value by being hot, yes of course looks are important. Here's the thing: the guys I date (rockstars, djs, actors, writers, multi-millionaires) are SURROUNDED by hot girls 24/7. Being hot will get me within ten feet of them but it won't get me even into bed with them let alone into a relationship with them. But when they hear the cool stuff that I do, and when I game them confidently, their interest is piqued and I set my hooks.

Oh and my FORMER dominatrix career has intrigued far more men than it has scared away - even men who don't like being dominated but appreciate a gutsy, sexually confident woman with an interesting story. But then again I guess I date guys who are way more secure in themselves than you.

D

I'm here because I read your article on xojane. Regarding your points on self-acceptance: take someone like Emily, from the site. She's sturggled with issues such as eating disorders and addiction. For her, accepting herself could be a genuine battle, and might be necessary for her mental and physical health. Not accepting herself could lead either to her putting herself in dangerous, potentially deadly situations. Self-acceptance is hard work. Isn't one of the earlier points of pick-up artistry accepting yourself and building your confidence? (Based on the very little I know of it.)

For some people, weight loss is genuinely impossible. Take Lesley and Marianne, also from the site. Both exercise and eat healthily, but neither have lost weight as a result.

Not everyone measures value the way you do. For some people, particularly those with mental illness, even starting a conversation can be an achievement. Getting a job, even one considered menial work, can be an achievement. You've worked very hard and achieved a great deal, and I don't mean to bring down your achievements. But they're a) not possible for everyone and b) not necessarily what everyone wants to achieve.

I may have missed your point entirely here, and for that I apologise.

D

Typos: *struggled, and ignore the 'either'.

Ardensirens

D - Self-acceptance is good and necessary, but not when it's a front for complacency.

No one has to have the same goals as me (obvs) bc then the world wouldn't be interesting. But we all have an obligation, in my opinion, to contribute something meaningful to the world, even if it's just serving your tables cheerfully and competently at a Pizzeria Uno, and to take responsibility for ourselves so that our fuck-ups don't impede another person's ability to function (as did my former roommate's, whose fuck-ups almost lost me my home).

As for weight, if someone is happy with their weight, good on them, no judgment. Lots of women make zaftig work in their favor. But if someone is feeling shamed and writing essays about it, that tells me they're not actually happy with it at all. The women I know who enjoy their weight aren't loud about it because it's just part of them.

And btw I have struggled, and still do struggle, with mental illness, and I have been that person who could not hold a conversation. In my early twenties, I was disliked and called crazy for my behavior, which was, in hindsight, embarrassing and obtrusive. But I learned over time to control my actions so that my illness doesn't become anyone else's problem. And that was, again, something I put a lot of fucking work into. Know why? Because it was my responsibility.

The point here is not to be perfect but rather to not settle for less than your best effort. I respect anyone who is even just in the process of self-improvement, not just the people who got there already. It's the embracing of things about ourselves that are not actually healthy to embrace or glorify that is what gets under my skin, and more so when that lack of effort causes someone to grab on to me and pull me down with them when their ship starts sinking.

Aimee

I've been reading your blog for a while now, Arden, and I'm sitting here, thinking that you don't need to be told that not everyone can achieve what you have achieved. You know that. Everything I have read from you has shown that you understand and appreciate every person's struggle to be the best person they can. Your recent post is calling on us to back you up, and remind you that there are other people out there who want more. Not only from themselves but from others too, and there is a way to accept where people are that doesn't stunt their growth, but keeps them working harder, and trying to grow and change and add value to the lives of everyone around them.

I am always inspired and encouraged by your posts - somehow you manage to put into words those things that have always resonated with me. If you were here, I'd pour you a scotch and we'd cheers.

Ardensirens

Aimee - I love scotch. Hope to take you up on that at a Sirens meetup one day.

Danielle

I also found you on the xo whine-fest and so happy to see some new posts! I've read this article daily since you published. It's like a personal trainer yelling at me to push through the pain. I love it.

I'm married & (happily!) monogamous, but using that as an excuse lately to settle into a sweatpants and +10 lbs life. Trying to break out but thinking, "what's the point?"

... anyone who dares to do anything extraordinary ... is shamed for self-aggrandizement. Think about it. What are we here on earth for, if not for the aggrandizement of our selves, so that we can all lead and inspire one another and collectively as a human race do awesome stuff?

YES. That's what I needed to hear. That it's not shameful to want to be better, be the best. Vanity is a powerful motivator and being awesome is its own reward.

Since you published a week ago I've signed up for French class and been to two lessons, found a workout buddy and been to the gym with her every-other day (and when the delayed-onset muscle soreness phase is over we're going daily), and started plotting out my 10-year path to healthcare executive. I feel like my old, overly ambitious self.

If you're ever in Toronto, email me -- I owe you a drink!

Ardensirens

Danielle - Happy for you! Thanks for sharing. Sounds like you're already doing some amazing work.

For what it's worth - and this is just the way I am personally wired, so take it however you like - when I am partnered, monogamous or not, I always end up putting focus on being someone that that person can be proud to show off. I feel myself partly as a representation of them in the world, a brand ambassador almost, or as though I want to make myself into a very valuable possession. Then again, I come from a dom/sub background sexually, and clearly I have worthiness issues. But I still find it hot. When I'm with someone, I want every other man in the room jealous of him. It's a kind of gift. Marilyn for all her wildness excelled at this. If you were on the arm of Marilyn Monroe, fuck, everyone wanted to be you. I wouldn't necessarily give this as essential advice, mostly because it's something I personally fetishize. But let the idea sit with you and if it turns you on too, go with it.

D

Arden - Thank you for being so thoughtful and considered in your reply.

I think I understand your opinions on this matter better now. I'm sorry I don't have more to say; I'm in the process of self-improvement, but I keep slipping back and it's difficult to talk about at the moment. Thank you once more.

D

Oh, and it's great that you've managed to successfully cope with mental illness. Sorry I didn't mention that before.

Ardensirens

D - Thanks and I wish you luck on your pursuits. All we can do is try to be a little better every day. :)

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Cassandra

First of all to those that say you won the generic lottery: They are not entirely wrong. You were born being a blue eyed brunette with legs for miles and good bone structure. Even +40 lbs you'd be attractive.

So while your genes are in your favor, you are not squandering your advantages and living life in sweatpants.

I think you are annoyed by those that don't recognize the fact that there's a shortage of fairy god mothers these days.

While seemingly superficial, taking care of yourself, dressing well, eating right, having a great lingerie collection These things don't happen by accident.


All that aside, I've known you for many years, do you know what I have always admired most about you? I'll give you a hint: It's not your looks.

Actually..Let me back up.The way I define mastery: The ability to do something that takes great skill while maintaining an effortless appearance.

Whether it was wielding single tails, marketing yourself, turning a would be creepster away at a bar without making a scene or remaining sincere in a profession with its heart in fabrication

I am inspired by how consistently, you have done these things seamlessly.

But that's kind of the catch, right?

To the casual observer, thinks these things happen by magic. These are your "gifts" and they take them/you for granted.


I think it comes down to not just laziness, but *entitlement* from lazy apathetic people.

"I failed, and I've given up trying to get better. Love me anyway! Cater to my desires"

Sorry, no. You haven't earned it. It makes me a bit ill.

I like you, am the whole fucking package. I am doing almost everything I can to be awesome

At times I sit back and scratch my head trying to fathom people that frankly aren't trying, or letting a couple failures dictate the course of their lives.

What I think you are getting at, is the rest of the world can try their damnedest too.

Seriously, all of you. There is nothing stopping you.

R.

@Maven

I don't think you have to be so focused on having a multimillion-dollar company. I say this as someone who has dated a guy who did have a multi-million-dollar startup in his early 20's, and has also dated another guy who was a music teacher and worked in a coffee shop.

The only time I was put off by a guy's career/financial situation was when I saw that the guy wasn't being responsible with the money he was earning—choosing a place to live that was beyond his budget and borrowing off of friends to make the security deposit. Irresponsibility is a turn-off.

If you have a decent job in STEM, that sounds like a fine place to be career-wise. After that it's really about you, your personality, what it's like to spend time with you.

Lucy

Arden, give the dirty man some credit, he does seem to suffer from self-loathing to much smaller extent than you. Obsessing about one's nails and wrinkles is hardly an accomplishment or something you should advise to people as a recipe for growth. You seem to be all about "inspiring" and making oneself better. What about understanding people who are not so cool? What about feeling compassion towards those who are suffering? Why do you wan to crush them? Nobody pays you to do it, you do it for yourself. You do this to yourself. Alec Baldwin's character did it cause it's his job. He doesn't go around lamenting on human laziness in his spare time. He couldn't care less.

The narcissistic bit about you is the moment where you are more concerned with the appearance, than the actual value of human connecting... Leave them be! They are just rambling. They don't really want to change. They don't want you to tell them why you're better then them. It's fucking smug. If they ask you, say that you don't know, ask them what they think, just effin leave it be, what works for you does not work for everybody, there are many different kinds of people.

Your advice is aimed at girls who don't want to marry, have babies and live ordinary lives. It is aimed at party girls wanting to seduce narcissistic men and play attraction games with them. It's nothing bad, it's just not for everybody.

As far as the quality of your screenplay, the market will be the judge, but rest assured that loads of great writers, poets and philosophers have been dirty, shabby, gilt ridden fat recluse borderlines of ill health, that their drive to write had nothing to do with their "fat" teen selves, and that your burlesque lifestyle doesn't necessarily translate well into other mediums or general life advice (psychic illnesses especially). And that's ok. A bit of humility to counteract the grandiosity is not a sign of weakens, it is a sigh of strength and acceptance of what is human.

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Harbinger

What Lucy said.

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