Communication Junkie: Vulnerability and the Art of Pick-Up

In some recent blog posts, articles, and tweets, I've noticed I've had to defend pick-up artistry from a slew of detractors deeming it inherently inauthentic and manipulative. They posit that PUAs get by on "tricking" people into sleeping with them through lies, hypnosis, and sneaky language patterns. (Please note: You cannot trick someone into fucking you. People are smarter than that. You can only be a person they will probably want to fuck and then create the context for fucking to potentially happen. This is the crux of pickup.) It's frustrating to me because I know the material that's out there nowadays in the PUA community, and the angry muggles smearing pick-up have it all wrong. Nearly everything I read or watch from any company that is actually successfully selling products today is focused on genuine self-improvement, confidence building, and being an awesome person who contributes something cool to the world at large.

It's this idea that pick-up and authenticity are at odds that makes me get on my soapbox. Which is why I'm pretty stoked about writing this blog post tonight: because I get to back it up as to how authenticity, honesty, and communication actually make people more attracted to you, and are therefore cornerstones to any successful seduction. Wha-BAM! (Arden drops mic and walks offstage.)

A few months ago I picked up the book Click: The Forces Behind How We Fully Engage With People, Work, and Everything We Do by Ori and Rom Brafman, which presents serious sociological research to explain the factors that cause us to connect with other people. It studies those situations where we feel instantly, magically connected to someone, and then breaks down the external aspects that are necessary for the "click" to happen. Naturally I consumed this book with the fervor of a teenage boy pawing through a hidden stash of Playboy mags.

Immediately the book touches upon the idea of vulnerability:

Vulnerability is perhaps the most counterintuitive. Most of us think that when we make ourselves vulnerable we are putting ourselves in a susceptible, exposed, or subservient position. By revealing their inner fears and weaknesses, many feel they allow others to gain power or influence over them. But in terms of creating an instant connection, vulnerability and self-disclosure are, in fact, strengths. They accelerate our ability to connect with those around us.

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable helps the other person to trust you, precisely because you are putting yourself at emotional, psychological, or physical risk. Other people tend to react by being more open and vulnerable themselves. The fact that both of you are letting down your guard helps to lay the groundwork for a faster, closer personal connection. When you both make yourselves vulnerable from the outset and are candid in revealing who you are and how you think and feel, you create an environment that fosters the kind of openness that can lead to an instant connection -- a click.

The book goes on to chart a scale of five categories of statements ranked in vulnerability.

1. Phatic statements are social pleasantries such as "Hi, how are you?" or "Nice to see you," statements that don't really mean much beyond acting as a social lubricant.

2. Factual statements are statements of objective bits of information about ourselves. My name is Arden. I live in New York. I have a cat named Wesley. And so on.

3. Evaluative statements are expressions of opinions, such as how we might have felt about a film or a piece of art. They're riskier because we may face disagreement, but still pretty mild.

4. Gut-level statements start to heat things up a bit. These are expressions of emotions that are personally revealing, such as "I miss you when you're not here," or "I feel happy whenever I spend time with you."

5. Peak statements form the top of the vulnerability spectrum. They're deeply revealing and are also the most risky in terms of how the other person may respond. When we put our hearts out on the table and tell someone our scariest innermost feelings for them, such as, "I love you, and even if you're not comfortable accepting love right now, that doesn't change my feelings for you," or "I was hurt when you criticized me because I'm worried maybe you don't think I'm good enough and that I might lose you," we are making a peak statement. Peak statements are hard.

But they're also effective, according to Click's authors: "We can help to create magical connections simply by elevating the language we use from the phatic to the peak level."

I've been jumping into the scary conversation pit a lot over the past year. It's my newest adrenaline rush. Making approaches doesn't make my blood pump much anymore; I've pulled off so many of them that the idea of rejection centered around an approach just isn't a big deal these days. And since I'm apparently an adrenaline junkie, I've pushed myself into newer, scarier territory by revealing the shit that terrifies me to the people whom I really give a fuck about what they think of me.

This doesn't have to happen just in the context of meaningfully established interpersonal relationships, btdubs. You can go peak on someone in the same night you meet them. Last year I managed to pawn my way through security and backstage to meet the rockstar who was my teen idol, whose music videos I used to rush home to watch on MTV, who in a Platonic ideal kind of way is probably the reason I have been attracted to 90% of the guys I've been attracted to in the last decade. I used the cookie gambit to cross the final hurdle into the dressing room, and there he was, flat-ironing his hair. (N.B.: If you're ever trying to meet a band dude, bring cookies. You won't get backstage unless you have a tangible object that you need to bring in to them. Also, be nice to your friendly neighborhood venue security guys. Offer them cookies too.)

We hung out and chatted, and soon he started busting on me. "Whatever," he said to me, "I bet you bake cookies for like every band that plays here."

I slowed down, looked him straight in the eye, and said, "You're right. I have a lot of friends in the local music scene here in New York, and I do bake cookies for their shows because I think it's a nice thing to do. But there's something you should know. When I was seventeen, I printed photos of you off the internet and hung them in my high school locker. I watched your videos every day after school. You were my first crush. So when I bake cookies for you, it's different. Now kiss me."

And did he kiss me? Fuck yes he kissed me! And then later we boned. And he still texts me. Say what you want about the perfect morality behind authenticity; I'm here to talk about its efficacy. Self-revelation works on a deep, deep level.

I often talk about the instance three years ago when a guy I was in love with left me when I was in the hospital on my birthday. It's become like a flagship of the most awful rejection I've ever experienced and is fun to joke about nowadays in that manner in which humor is the only way of making such a severe wound manageable, and also which makes me a badass seduction poster child since if I survived that rejection, you guys can survive anything. Also it's funny that I have a giant scar from the hospital visit because it's like a big metaphor, and allows me to use words like scar, cut, bleed, and wound both literally and figuratively, and as a writer that makes me happy. I may or may not have listened to that Leona Lewis song "Bleeding Love" repeatedly throughout that month.

But what I didn't talk about was how I handled it. At the time, I had just inked my book deal and was fresh out of a four-year relationship that had seen a painfully slow death, and frankly I was pretty sure I was more fraud than I was seductress. So when this guy I was seeing began the gradual process of not returning my texts, I ignored it, because it was easier to pretend that I didn't care about him than to put my heart on the line and have him tell me he wasn't into me. I couldn't even ask him to come visit me in the hospital (even though it was only ten blocks from his house); I just asked my best friend to text him what happened and where I was, crossing my fingers that maybe I'd open my eyes in the recovery room and he'd be there at the side of my bed. Nor did I even text him from my party where he didn't show up (even though he was slated to dj); I just downed several of my newly-prescribed vicodin with a bunch of the party's free vodka so that I could get through being fun with all my guests like nothing was wrong, and then I went home and cried alone.

Seriously. Look how fabulous and happy I am here rocking my arm
bandage like everything is totally right with the world.

Three weeks later, the news of Alexander McQueen's suicide broke, and it hit me hard. And I wrote this boy a long and tearful email about how life is so short and precious and we should never let things go unsaid until it's too late. And before I could click send, I fucking deleted it.

When we finally talked about it, a full year later, he told me he'd disappeared not because he wasn't into me, but because he was afraid I was going back to my ex. But by then it was too late. He was already in a long on/off relationship with a girl who, he later admitted, treated him horribly throughout. (See? Had I been honest about my feelings for him, I probably would have been doing him a favor. This is why I believe that seduction is an essentially generous action.)

A few months ago, a guy I was seeing who I was also super into decided to break things off with me romantically -- over a text message. Everything in every shitty 90s bestselling relationship book out there would have told me he just wasn't that into me, would have chanted "Next!" and told me to text back and say, "K, bye!" But I'd learned my lesson by that point. So I wrote back, "Um, can we talk about this?" And when we talked about it, he was shocked by my reaction. He told me it wasn't because he didn't care about me that he'd sent that text -- it was because he didn't think I liked him enough to be hurt by it.

So I said to myself, fuck it, and decided to use that opportunity to tell him everything that I felt. I told him that I did have intense feelings for him, but that if he felt he needed to be alone I would support his decision to do what he needed to do to take care of himself, and that the door would be open when he felt he was ready to come back. And then I also kind of maybe wrote a blog post about it which I think he maybe might have kind of read, which, although I knew that was a possibility since my work is on view to the public, wasn't really something I'd had in mind while writing it. And that was all kinds of scary and awful and awesome.

When we next saw each other (which was a while, he lives far away), he brought it up again, said he realized things weren't as black and white as he'd thought, and went in for a kiss at the end of the night. I'm actually scared to even write about this because who knows what's going to happen next, but fuck it, scary self-revelation is what this blog post is all about, right? Maybe I'm even connecting better with you my readers as a result. But my point is, thank fuck I didn't let my pride get in the way and just shut down and go hide somewhere. Because seriously, fuck a bunch of that shit.

And most of my friends who shit-talk PUAs as dishonest douchebags would read this blog post and say, "But Arden, you're not like those douchey pick-up artists. You're a nice, honest, generous person, and of course things will work out in your favor, because good things happen to good people."

To those of you who feel that way, I will refer you to the greatest pick-up artist of all time, Neil Strauss, one of my closest mentors in the field of seduction. In his bestselling book The Game, which most pick-up detractors like to figuratively burn as a paradigm of the most dishonest and manipulative PUA douchebaggery ever enacted, Neil writes a passage toward the end of the book about how he finally won over the woman he was in love with:

I was about the say the most AFC* thing of my life. "Let me tell you something. The pick-up artists have a word they call one-itis. It's a disease that people get when they become obsessed with just one girl. And they never end up with this one girl because they get too nervous around her and scare her away."
"So?" she asked.
"So," I said. "You're my one-itis."

*AFC is an acronym for Average Frustrated Chump. PUAs love acronyms.

There you have it. That's what clinched the deal for the world's greatest pick-up artist.

And for the record, Neil now teaches both dating and general life-skills to a group of men called The Society, where he touts the idea of finding your best, most actualized self, and then communicating it authentically to the world at large in order to attract quality relationships, friendships, and business partnerships, and to live life as awesomely as possible. It's where the art of pick-up was naturally destined to evolve.

In one of his recent Society classes he addressed some popular women's relationship literature such as The Rules and Why Men Love Bitches, those tomes I so painfully abhor for the way they advise relying on inauthentic states of romantic deprivation in order to avoid rejection, as if a good man will choose to stay with you merely because you didn't do any of the wrong things. He talked about the advice they give, and in one of the awesomest sentences I have heard all year, he said, "Emotionally withholding from a guy and not asking to have your needs met sounds like a great way to keep a relationship you shouldn't even be in."

I have said this before, but in this particular instance, it bears repeating. At the end of the day, you must not be afraid of the truth. You must not be afraid of your truth, or of anyone else's. When you can get used to the idea that being with your truth will open the doors for you to live your life in the most freeing and authentic way possible, you will begin to crave it the way I do. It's a better high than anything else I've ever experienced.

Comments

[Stacy Blaise]

As a "strong" woman I find it difficult to show my vulnerability to men. But, Dita Von Teese (my hero) stated that when she finally figured out thats what men liked about her (her vulnerability) then it changed her outlook on life.

Great column,
Stacy Blaise

[Cassandra]

Oh Arden

Love this, and love you.

I have personally been struggling with vulnerability, and recently came to a similar conclusion myself. This is what makes us human and without it connections are superficial.

[Olga]

I was one of the many that not showing true emotions was actually the equivalent of being strong. Thanks to Arden's work that I got slightly addicted to recently, I realized, that how can that be an evidence of strength if it's so much easier to do than being upfront? Isn't it supposed to be the other way? What identifies strong people is their capability of making hard decisions.
I also believe that it is not about what you say but how you say it. Confidence is a key here. If you are confident and if you are not afraid to use "Peak statements" that deserves nothing but admiration in my world.
This blog was really relevant to my very recent experience. I run a restaurant in Brooklyn and it is kind of a small neighborhood, so a lot of people know me. A lot of men approach me. But it's just not enough good material around (hope that doesn't sound too bitchy). Finally I kind of like someone. So happy, he was in a competition for me with his best friend. He won. Woohoo. Things started getting too serious and he stops talking to me. I am crushed, I did not confront him. I figured he lost his interest and I decided to make it easy for him. Later on, I found out, he freaked out, because he started liking me too much and everyone knows him and everyone knows me and he made that stupid childish move like something the person in high school would do - he figured he'd better break up with me before I break up with him.
Well, I learned a good lesson then. I decided that then on I will be upfront, I will not be afraid to express someone that I care for them. Because, unfortunately it's not many of them around I fall for, but the ones that matter do deserve it.
This is going to be my challenge and my personal social experiment, because me keeping feelings in a box did not bring me anywhere far yet.
And, once again. Thanks for the motivation. I think it will be worth it.

[Bex]

I love your work, but I must say that I'm pretty sure the criticisms of PUAs as manipulative and deceitful have to do with things like this:

http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2012/07/29/rapey-pickup-artists-analysis-of-a-field-report/

He may not be able to "trick" people into fucking him, but he can rape them.

[Ardensirens]

Bex - The guy referenced is a sociopath with a computer connected to the internet. Nothing of this sort would be found amongst the curriculum of any actual instructors in any companies that are actually selling products. Even the board on which the post was found, RSD, has been irrelevant for a long time.

Obviously the post described is reprehensible. There is no question about that. But I'm not going to sit by and see my whole industry smeared because of a few crazy people with keyboards. There are sociopaths in all walks of life, and whatever profession you're in, I'm sure there are some there too.

I feel bad for those who rule out pick-up because that's all they see, because those people are closing themselves off to a lot of tools that could help improve their overall quality of life. But all I can do is keep writing posts like this for those who want to get something out of them.

As for the nature of your comment, I've already defended my work against many of the sort, as I've stated, in my most recent blogs and articles. Case in point, those few bad apples aren't PUAs, they're idiots, scumbags, and possibly rapists. If every field was judged by its worst members, well, we'd all be going to hell in a handbasket.

[MJ]

"If every field was judged by its worst members, well, we'd all be going to hell in a handbasket." Well put Arden and, as far as I'm concerned, enough said. I hope people will finally stop lumping you in with the PUA scumbags and see you as the sweet, sexy, caring "Donna Reed of punk" that you truly are. :)

As for vulnerability/authenticity/transparency/honesty in relationships...wow, this is a juicy topic, one that I've been exploring for a while. My interest in the topic was originally piqued when I read "Radical Honesty" several years ago. I found the book and concept intriguing, however Brad Blanton's approach is too gruff and impolite to truly be relational. From there, I explored some other books that explored this concept, but in a way that would build intimacy with another. Some of my favorite books on this topic are:
Saying What's Real by Susan Campbell
Truth in Dating by Susan Campbell
Conscious Loving by Gay Hendricks
Conscious Heart by Gay Hendricks
Undefended Love by Jett Psaris and Marlena Lyons (I attended their workshop and it was life changing)

As I've worked on becoming a more transparent person over the years, I've discovered that, with some people, showing my vulnerability and being truly undefended has created bonds that are more intimate and powerful than I could have ever dreamed of. And, like you said, it's the best high one could possibly experience. I was so high on this new form of authentic communication that I truly thought I would experience greater intimacy with EVERYONE that I chose to be truly transparent with. Sadly, this was not the case. Some people simply can't handle the truth. They don't WANT the truth. They don't WANT to go deeper and experience the high of true intimacy. As you've mentioned in former posts, some people are simply married to their own misery, they don't want to be happy because it's too foreign. Similarly, I've noticed, some people don't want to go deep, they want to stay shallow.

Sometimes you will present your raw, naked, vulnerable truth to someone and it will just lay there on the ground, awkward and lonely, because the other person can't hold it, doesn't know what the heck to do with it. This dynamic was recently presented in the show Girl's, in the episode, "Another Man's Trash." Hannah spends a glorious, romantic week-end with an older man, Joshua. When he asks her to open up to him, she does, BIG time. She really puts it out there, the good, the bad and the uncomfortable. Unfortunately, as soon as she does, Joshua's face falls and you see him instantly fall out of like with her and shut down emotionally - he bit off more than he could chew, it's simply too much for him.

http://www.hbo.com/girls/index.html#/girls/episodes/02/15-one-mans-trash/video/inside-the-episode.html/eNrjcmbO0CzLTEnNd8xLzKksyUx2zs8rSa0oUc-PSYEJBSSmp-ol5qYy5zMXsjGyMXIyMrJJJ5aW5BfkJFbalhSVpgIAXbkXOA==

I say all of this not to be a Debbie Downer on the topic of building intimacy by being more truthful, vulnerable and authentic, but to simply illuminate that reality that sometimes it will go well and sometimes it won't. My own experiences with this have got me wondering what the heck to do when it's doesn't? How does one get out of that situation gracefully when your guts are sprawled out everywhere? Hannah chose to sneak away...never to return, but there's got to be a better way.

I appreciated this video of an awkward little exchange between Decker Cunov of Authentic Men and "Sandra." I like the way he stands his ground when he is not being met by her...what do you think?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQVyU5iQ9Fk

Again...great post! I'm a huge fan of you as a person and of your writing. :)

[Ardensirens]

MJ - Most of the time when a person can't handle the truth, it's because they think they're somehow obligated to deal with it, rather than just observing what is. Nicely enough, this is then a new truth that can be addressed: "I notice you look uncomfortable, is there something about this information that's upsetting to you?" You can also prepare people for what you have to say ahead of time. My friend Reid from reidaboutsex.com advises going about difficult conversations in three steps: 1. State why the conversation is difficult for you, what you're afraid will happen (eg, I'm afraid you're going to get defensive and this is going to turn into an argument), 2. State what reaction you'd like to get instead (eg, I'd like you to just observe what I'm pointing out and understand it going into the future), and then 3. Say the thing that's difficult for you to say.

When people can accept the truth as information and not as a demand or obligation, it gets easier for them. I recently confessed to a guy that I hadn't gone a day without thinking about him since we'd last seen each other four months prior, and he got thoughtful and replied, "I have. I've gone a day without thinking about us." And as much as that sucked to hear in the moment, I said, "Okay, that's what's true for you, and that's fine." And then it wasn't awkward. And truthfully, it IS fine - I'm a seduction coach, so naturally I spend more time thinking about sex and relationships than the average muggle. The fewer value judgments we assign, the easier it gets.

But at the end of the day, if someone does get scared off, think of that as information too, information about what that person is capable of handling. If someone proves that they're not able to hold space for your feelings, they might be doing you a favor by letting you know what you can expect from them. And you might at that point reconsider whether you actually want them as a partner.

[Ardensirens]

I should also add that it's important to know the difference between expressing a truth and making a request. Sometimes you're just giving someone information without expectation attached; sometimes you're making a request that someone may turn down. Both of these are okay, but know the difference so that you can communicate them effectively and anticipate a reaction. Sometimes you tell someone your feelings because you want to know if they feel the same way. There's a yes/no question inherent in that. And you have to respect someone's no, even if what it looks like is that they're running away because they can't handle it.

[Lily]

Arden --

I, too, am a fan of your writing but there's a reason why PUA is routinely criticized as fake and inauthentic, and it's not because the people being critical have all the wrong ideas.

People don't need classes or 'routines' to be authentic.

If PUA is going to be perceived as more authentic, then it's going to be because you and others reform it from within, not because the general public is lobbied to change its mind about the most obvious features of the movement -- pricey classes, books, and routines.

Lily

[Bex]

@Arden - I'm not sure if you read the entire article I posted, but you'll notice that it wasn't just the "sociopath behind the keyboard" participating in the thread in question. In fact, Mr. "Tyler Durden" himself, along with at least one other instructor at Real Social Dynamics, made an appearance on that specific post to give their support to the author.

From Tyler: "YES! Finally a "Fingerman Method" manifesto. So bomb been waiting for this since Miami. :)"

From another instructor: "We’re here to fuck girls not assuage hypothetical psychological wounds and/or better society. I’m frankly a little sick of KJ moralizing and hand wringing about this shit. Let’s not sugar coat what it is we are doing here too much. We’re FUCKING WOMEN."

RSD is only one of many pick up artist schools out there, but the problem is obviously more than just one guy behind a keyboard. The sociopaths aren't just following the PAU industry, they are making it.

I don't think there is any reason to have to defend a desire to teach or learn the art of seduction... but one shouldn't have to dismiss valid criticism of an industry that condones rape in order to do that.

[Bex]

Honestly.... my only big issue with your post is your assertion that " You cannot trick someone into fucking you." When people say that they think pick up artistry is about "tricking people," they mean that they think it is about raping people. But no one likes to use the R word in polite company.

[MJ]

@Bex The "industry" doesn't condone rape, the sociopaths do.

There are also priests who have been convicted of molesting little children. Does that mean the "industry" of priests condone pedophilia?

[Ardensirens]

Bex - No, in that instance, they meant tricking. I understand your concerns but you cannot interpret comments you haven't read from people you've never met.

I'm done defending. My point stands.

[Crystal]

Wow! Your writing style and content inspire me so much. I'm in my first relationship right now as a 17-year old, and my own motives had been confusing me, to be honest. Back then my infatuation and excitement with him (purely physical at first) propelled me to seduce him and reveal my vulnerabilities to him without a thought (mostly with my focus on self-growth and authentic conversation focusing on the other person), but the more I got into the intricacies and dynamics in our relationship, the more my tendency to rationalize and research started coming out, and the more I realized I would need effective outside help. And your blog acted as a savior when I found it. Every single post you write makes me strive for more with all my relationships. I'd already been fully vulnerable and open in person in my apology to him once, and yet I'm afraid right now without my self-conviction. I don't get embarrassed, but recently I've started to panic and harden in the face of danger, and that unemotional, focused energy terrifies him when compared to the way I used to show him through my eyes and voice just how much my heart beat around him. Perhaps I just feel too content and almost bored with him that I can't help but feel something is missing. Simply making eye contact and sweetly smiling at him from across the room doesn't give me the same rush of joy and nervousness it used to so many months ago (and even less does exchanging conversation even if it's exciting), and I want to be as fearless as you are. Reading your experience made me realize that the adrenaline rush that comes with complete vulnerability is exactly what I crave. Thank you for your existence Arden Leigh x)

[Bex]

"There are also priests who have been convicted of molesting little children. Does that mean the "industry" of priests condone pedophilia?"

I think the cover-ups make it pretty clear that the corporation of the Catholic church condones pedophilia, yes.

[Benjamin]

I think PUA gets a bad image because of where it comes from: crappy one liners, cheesy opinion openers, and weird peacocking fashion. Honestly, I am surprised to hear you talk about Neil Strauss teach about self improvement as a way of attraction just because he comes from that crappy era of "The Game" where that stuff is completely outdated and corny. I find that the "healthier" PUA material out there is all about self improvement and becoming a better man that does indeed offer value to people and one of those ways is indeed through vulnerability.

I do agree with you, vulnerability is definitely a way to live by because it filters out all the shit in your life and people will either accept it or don't but then that saves you a lot more time to begin with.