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12/14/2011

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CaptainScorpio

If you *don't* make that into a children's book, I just might. I'll credit you int eh acknowledgments, though.

Geoff

"I am much more okay with dating someone because I feel passionate about him than being the kind of woman who has a checklist for every potential suitor she encounters."

I'm a little confused as to why you find it difficult to be selective at the top of your dating funnel. You're creating this dichotomy between guys that you're attracted to and guys who look good on paper, but it would seem to me that there are likely plenty of men out there who satisfy both requirements.

In my dating life I only let myself get so emotionally invested with someone who does not meet my checklist. That is not to say that just because someone meets my checklist, though, that she would be able to get anywhere with me if I weren't attracted to her.

So my question to you: what do you think is going on for you there emotionally? You mentioned that you don't want to judge someone on his resume, but at the end of the day we are the sum of our actions. Do you just feel so overwhelmed by the feeling of attraction toward him that you cannot help but pursue it?

I don't really feel that way in my relationships, even when I'm extremely attracted to a woman. I rationalize this to myself as being because I find that this feeling is common enough that I can let it go if other elements are not right, which would be the diminishing marginal utility effect, but it's also possible that my brain chemistry is such that there is less dopamine motivating me to stay relative to you, or it may just be some other factor altogether.

Geoff

In my dating life I *do not* let myself get so emotionally invested with someone who does not meet my checklist.

Arden Leigh

Yep, Im simply compelled. Too much dopamine, too little phenylethylamine, whatever. When Im attracted to someone, I have to find out for myself firsthand. So I end up touching a few hot stoves. Oh well. Maybe one day Ill get tired of that and reconsider. Or maybe I just see the best in people instead of seeing what they lack. Either way, I have no present desire to talk myself out of someone Im attracted to. I enjoy crushes too much.


Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Arden Leigh

Id counter, in reply to your second comment, that you might be missing out on a lot of fun adventures...


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Geoff

It's a valid concern, but as I've found that being honest with myself and my partner goes a long way toward thwarting this. Honesty has its pluses and minuses, but the one thing that it does seem to do is polarize my interactions such that they go very well or horribly wrong very quickly. I'd like to think that this lets me fail fast (to use lean startup terminology), and hopefully get to the great experiences faster as well.

That said, it's very possible that all of this is a backwards rationalization, and the reward pathways in my brain have been so conditioned to care about that type of stuff that I actually can't be attracted in the same way without some of my checklist being met. Still, I can't help but feel that I actively manage and in particular limit the amount, frequency and activities associated with the time I spend with someone who does not meet my checklist.

Very interesting to think about either way.

DJ Jason

Great Looking Blog! :)

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Nico

I love your blog, I love your honesty. We're so alike it's frightening. Keep writing cause you rock.

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