Respect the Game

Not too long ago I attended a party where an occasional lover of mine happened to be. As the evening waxed into the late hours and I found myself sitting next to him off to the side on the fringes of the action, one of his friends approached us. Amidst the blur of latenight party histrionics I can't recall the exact words that were spoken, but the friend pointed to me and instructed me not to leave the party anytime soon, and then spoke to the man I was with and implied that if he was planning on sleeping with me, it was only fair that he himself should get to do so as well. "I mean," he said, "I was thinking this could be like a community thing."

The man I was with looked at his friend coolly and said, "Hey, I worked for this. I waited a long time and put in a lot of effort. I was the hunter here, so I reap the rewards."

The baldfaced desire for sex is an ugly thing. That's why seduction is so critical -- it allows us to smooth the edges around baseness of our desires and present them in a way that is tempting and palatable. Without seduction and the patience that necessarily comes with it, we are telling our targets that our desire for intercourse with their physical bodies is more important to us than their feelings about it. The simple, physical act of sex itself becomes the priority, when what ought to be tantamount is the mutually shared desire for sex.

My occasional lover was correct in his reply -- mostly, at least; I might argue instead that it was I who was the hunter and put in the work as I had had my sights set on him for a long time -- but either way, we did make each other wait. Over the span of many months, we teased each other, put each other off, exchanged playful kisses, stole a few moments together in semi-public, and then finally capitulated. It was important to each of us that when the sex happened, we knew it was sex we each definitely wanted to have. Without that mutual desire, there would have been no point.

I mean, what IS the point, really? If all you want is the physical act of sex with someone, why not hire a prostitute? I suggest that with no derogatory implications, by the way -- by the very nature of engaging in her industry, a prostitute is willingly advertising a desire for paying clients and for simple, transactional sex, and she (or he) knows what she is getting out of it, even if it is different (but of equal value perhaps) than what her client is getting out of it. In that way, at least you are honoring her industry and the value of the pleasure she provides instead of simply foisting the crudeness of your sexual covetousness on someone (like me at the party) to whom you are offering neither financial compensation nor the less morphous compensation of mutually assured desire.

I heard a story from a stripper friend once about an interaction she had with one of the hosts at her club. She pulled him aside one night and asked how she could earn her way into more introductions to high-paying clients -- she was attractive, responsible, and tipped the hosts well, and was wondering why she was often being passed over for more lucrative private rooms. According to her, the host replied, "Every girl wants those rooms. There's not a lot you can do other than show up and look good and compete with the rest of the girls on the floor. Or... you could take me home and fuck me against every wall of your house."

What kind of man wants to have sex with a woman knowing she is only doing it to get ahead in her industry? Where's the joy in that? My friend said that what made her sad about it is that prior to his remark, they had been flirting a bit and she had found him at least somewhat intriguing. But that comment killed any potential attraction. Worse, when she related the story to another dancer at her club, her colleague replied, "Oh, well that doesn't work. Because I totally fucked him and he still doesn't introduce me to his clients."

I have no respect for people who don't honor the game of seduction. Impatience is a selfish and highly unattractive trait. If you want to have sex with me, I am all for it. In fact, I am rooting for you! Being seduced is an immensely pleasurable experience, and I would love for you to succeed with me, to cause me to crave you and then sweep me away into pleasure. But you need to put in the kind of work that I myself put in when I want to have sex with someone. Any less says that you don't really care about how I feel about it; that your main priority is simply the act of sticking your dick in me. And your appetite for that is not really a huge compliment.

Seductions can be swift, resulting in sex within just a few days. Some of the best sex I've had this year has been with a man whom I slept with for the first time just three days after meeting him. Some seductions can be sloppily hasty, resulting in same-night onetime sex, and while seductions of that ilk rarely create desire that lasts any longer than that one night, at the very least I still respect them as seductions. At least they're not bribes or acts of haggling with friends for access to their hard-won conquests.

The sad thing about the incident with my occasional lover's friend is that he is tall, attractive, and talented, and I would not have entirely ruled out the possibility of sleeping with him at some point. But by showing his ass with such a brazen act of impatience and selfishness, he's pretty much eliminated himself as a candidate for my bedroom. You have to play the game with me and prove yourself a kindred spirit. There are no shortcuts.

Back at the party, when I sensed what was going on between the two men, I raised my hand and said, "Excuse me, do I get a say in this?" The friend looked at me and said, "Sure, what's your say in this?"

"I'm way too tired to handle both of you," I replied to him. "But if you guys wanna hook up with each other, I'll totally watch."

Moral of the story? If you don't want your attempt at sex with me to result in my making a gay joke about you boning your buddy, don't skip the seduction.

Comments

[Walter Sobchek]

you mean paramount, not tantamount.

[Arden Leigh]

Youre right, I did mean paramount! Thanks for catching that one. ;)

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

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[Dylan]

"The baldfaced desire for sex is an ugly thing. That's why seduction is so critical -- it allows us to smooth the edges around baseness of our desires and present them in a way that is tempting and palatable. Without seduction and the patience that necessarily comes with it, we are telling our targets that our desire for intercourse with their physical bodies is more important to us than their feelings about it. The simple, physical act of sex itself becomes the priority, when what ought to be tantamount is the mutually shared desire for sex."

I so wish I could pay for this to be the pop up advertisement on Grindr for a few days. It's unbelievably frustrating dealing with this kind of behavior. You'd think it would be self explanatory. Step one to having sex with me includes getting me to want to have sex with you. Even when one makes the game as easy as it can possibly get so many men forget that it is never a given.