Say What's True

When I was in acting school back in college, we had an entire class for two whole semesters that was based on one exercise -- Repetition, created by Sanford Meisner.  I suppose I don't have to stress how useful our teachers thought this exercise was since they made us take two semesters' worth of classes on it.  The exercise itself was fairly simple: You would sit across from your partner, look them in the eyes, and say something that was true about them.  They would then say something to you that was true about you (or, if they couldn't think of something to say in time to keep with the rhythm of the exercise, they could repeat back what you had said about them and you could go back and forth until someone noticed something else true about the other person).  And you would both continue on in this manner.

So it sounded something a little like this:

A.  You're wearing a blue shirt.
B.  I'm wearing a blue shirt.
A.  You dress well.
B.  I dress well.
A.  You dress well.
B.  You're being nice.
A.  You're smiling.
B.  I'm smiling.
A.  You're happy that I'm being nice.
B.  I'm happy that you're being nice.
A.  You're happy that I'm being nice.
B.  You're laughing.
A.  I'm laughing.
B.  You think something's funny.

Someday I will hold a Repetition class for people who want to study seduction.  I'm pretty sure no other exercise could be as useful as this is.  Yeah, it sounds dumb when you're reading it, but bear with me.

What's great about what happens in Repetition is that since you have to keep observing the other person, not only do you notice how quickly their state changes as each moment passes, but you also learn how to evaluate the meanings behind those states.  As an example, in the above exchange, "You're smiling" quickly means "You're happy."  "You're laughing" quickly means "You think something's funny."  Now these are very obvious conclusions, but as you keep repeating with the same partner for sometimes hours at a time, those conclusions begin to run deeper.  You will notice the slightest twinge in the eyebrows and you will state it out loud and then realize the truth behind it. "You're furrowing your brow.  You're deciding whether you're slightly annoyed.  You didn't like what I said."  Of course the moment you notice it, the moment has already passed and there's a new truth: "You're smiling now.  You don't want to come off like you were annoyed.  You want me to see you as friendly."  Or whatever.

James has been bugging me to study the Facial Action Coding System, the thought process behind decoding people's facial expressions and the basis for the new series Lie to Me.  And I probably will study it eventually, but for now I'm pretty sure that just practicing Repetition for two semesters at acting school was nearly just as useful in decoding the truths behind the sensory observations that you can make about a person.  Seriously, if you have a seduction wingwoman, someone with whom can you talk about seduction strategies and philosophy, meet once a week somewhere to do some Repetition.

It's funny how when I was an actress, every so often I'd run across a man who'd say, "I'm afraid of dating actresses, because how will I ever know if they're telling the truth?"  The irony of that was that acting is all about telling the truth.  The truth is usually all actors ever know, and that's why they can come off so intense sometimes.  The only thing that those men should have been afraid of was that my acting skills would have made me observant enough to call them out on their bullshit.  Which brings me to my next point.

Learning to recognize what's true about someone will help you reach your goals with them as you will be given a constant feedback loop as to how you're affecting their state, which you can use to tailor your actions according to the state that you want them in.  Recently I was out with someone and bought him a drink, and when he told me I was being a bad influence, I replied with, "It's a glass of wine, don't be such a pussy!"  Me thinking, of course, that I was giving permission to access a pleasure state and therefore spiking excitement -- but all he heard was the insult.  And I knew because I saw a very brief but (to me) very apparent flash of displeasure across his face.  Thank you, Repetition.  I quickly changed tack; in milliseconds my posture and expression became more coy and less aggressive, and after that one change, I saw him soften up once again.  Had I really been keying in, I would have been on my game enough to point it out to him: "Ooh, you didn't like my saying that.  I'm just joking around, don't take me so seriously."  (Most of the time when you point someone's state out to them, they will become self-conscious about it, which in itself is an immediate change of state, so pointing out a negative state out loud is often a good idea as they'll switch to a neutral and then you can move on to elicit a positive.)

(Is this making sense so far?  I feel like a lot of this is quite complicated to put into writing as so much of what goes into reading someone is strictly visual.)

Moreover, being able to observe and understand the truth about your target's state is crucial to knowing where your windows of opportunity lie.  A while back I had been hanging out with a certain target, and one late night we went out to find a place that would still be serving food.  It happened that the only place we could find was an obviously romantic dimly lit lounge with big leather sofas, and halfway through our first drink a moment passed where my target looked at me and then looked away with an awkward half-smile.  It was so fleeting that most people probably would have missed it, but I didn't.  "What was that?" I asked him. "What was that moment that just happened?"  He replied, "Well, this is the first time we've been out in a place like this, and for the first time it kinda feels like we're on a date."  "Okay," I said, "why does that make you a little uncomfortable?"  He started to stammer a reply, but I cut him off.  "Would you feel less uncomfortable if I did this?" I asked, and then immediately kissed him. It broke the tension he was feeling and it was a really good kiss.  It also ended up being a really good date and a really good several-months-long affair.  Learn to read what's true about your target and you will know when to kiss, when to shut up, when to listen, when to pump excitement, when to do whatever your target requires in whatever moment for whatever state you want to elicit in him.

Plus seriously, it feels really good to call someone out on something they thought you wouldn't notice, something maybe they didn't even notice themselves.  Not out of pride or smugness, but just because nearly all of my seductions have involved a moment or two like this.  For some reason I can't explain exactly why it's so important except to say that it is so rare.  So often your targets' other dates are so wrapped up in themselves that they're just not paying enough attention to catch these things, and when you do, you will prove yourself a rare specimen. 

Staying in the moment is so key to seduction that you simply have to make it a habit of your everyday existence.  Learn to say what is true about the other person with you, in almost any situation.  I had a job interview once where my potential employer was late for our meeting by almost an hour, and when he arrived in a frazzle I said to him, "You seem a little stressed out, have you been having a long day?"  Weeks and months after I was hired he still reacted positively to seeing me, because in a situation where I was supposed to be nervous and self-conscious, I instead showed that I cared about how he was doing.  You really just can't go wrong with observing people and saying what's true about their inner state. 

And finally, learning to observe and state what is true, even if it's something really simple, will make all your approaches so much easier.  James once was winging for a friend and opened a girl for him by saying to her, "How come you're having a beer instead of drinking a cosmo like your friends are?  You must be the rebel of the group."  It was a perfect approach because it wasn't canned -- and for the record, James's friend is still dating the girl.

So get out of your head and start looking at the person across from you.  Don't go on a first date and spend the whole time looking upwards at the invisible talking points you have in your head of things you think this guy has to know about you -- look at him and observe.  Sure, you can talk about yourself, it's expected on some level -- but stay keyed in to the other person and don't lose that focus.  Discern his reactions.  Tailor accordingly.  Practice until you get the reaction you want.  This is so important I can't stress it enough.

In the second semester of Repetition we added another element to the exercise.  This time, instead of merely stating what was true about our partner, we could add imperative commands.  So it would sound like, "You're annoyed.  Don't be annoyed.  Be happy.  Stay present.  Live it up."  The imperative commands and all the nonverbal communication that went along with them were designed to get our partner to a certain goal state, which was called "getting your cap" -- once your partner was behaving exactly how you wanted them to, you had gotten your cap.  If you weren't getting your cap, you knew that you had to try something else, something different, and you kept trying new tactics until you finally got your partner in the state where you wanted them.  After that, all you had to do was to maintain it.

I suppose I don't have to stress how useful THAT was.

Comments

[Scott M. Kenemore]

Woah! This is pretty interesting stuff.

Another thing about dating actresses is they want to be the center of attention all the time. Like ALL the time. (I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'...)

[Meli B Osorio]

This sounds like the repetition class at the Atlantic...

[Heather Ann Schmidt]

I also studied Sanford Meisner techniques and you are right. It changes the way one relates to others. We learn to communicate with our entire bodies and become more sensitive to the inflections, expressions, body language in others.

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[Daleloco]

It's pretty common acting exercise. I've done it a few times myself, it is rather surprising where things can go, even when you aren't pushing it.

Meisner is "acting truthfully in imaginary situations." So you're working with what you have in a believable manner.

Now, I have little doubt you can seduce, that's usually not a problem for a pretty girl with any measure of confidence. But can you sustain a relationship? Seducing your entire life would seem a tiring affair and it wouldn't seem to deal too well with money matters. Perhaps you've already covered this somewhere, I'll admit I haven't read your entire blog. But then you're young, who really cares anyway, you have lots of time to have fun, and you should.

[Arden Leigh]

@Daleloco -- Wow, this is a kind of ironic comment right now, even though I can definitely see where you're coming from and why you would ask. So no offense taken, and I'll be happy to answer you genuinely. :)

I just recently left my longest relationship, which lasted four and a half years. So yes, I can indeed sustain a relationship for a long time. Though at the moment I am not looking to do that again anytime soon. :) I mean hey, if it happens, it happens... but I'm kind of excited about not having a boyfriend for a little while. I'm enjoying the freedom of being able to see multiple people and to not be accountable to one person for my actions. I'm sure someone will come along and change my mind at some point, but for now, this feels good.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by money matters. In my ideal world, seduction takes place from a point of self-sufficiency and generosity, so I make it my business to support myself fully, reach financial success independently (I'm by no means rich but we'll say I'm not doing so bad for someone in her mid-twenties), and channel that cash flow into creating a stable, peaceful home environment into which I can potentially bring a target, with extra cushioning for doing exciting things that happen to cost money (nice dinners, spa visits, weekend trips... not saying I'm a sugar mama, but I like to treat people on special occasions -- hopefully they do the same for me, but that's not the point so much as it is about simply creating peak experiences for you and your target to share, and while it's most graceful to hide the cost element involved, let's face it, many of those things do cost money to do, so it's nice to have some expendable cash for those occasions).

Perhaps you think that a continual life of seduction would mean jumping from man to man for support? This would stand entirely against what I believe in (though so many feel that gaining financial support is the main utility of seduction, so I wouldn't blame you for making the assumption). I believe in creating a life and a world that is self-sustaining, and that is moreover compelling and magnetic, and which will bring into it those people I'm attracted to. I'm making the movie, and you're up for the role. Basically. :)

The further irony in this discussion is that three and a half years into my aforementioned last relationship, the man I was with, who was previously my equal in financial success, lost everything and needed me to loan him most of my savings to get him out of a bad spot. I did. And then I supported him for a year while he tried to get back on his feet. And the inequity that this caused eventually killed the attraction in our relationship, and that sucked a lot, and it's why I ultimately had to part ways with him -- because I can't live a life devoid of attraction.

So for me, it was not a life of seduction but rather sustaining a relationship that didn't deal too well with money matters.

But because of this experience, I've also learned how leeching off a target financially will kill just about any seduction. It might be fun to play house for a few months and make some man feel like he's the mighty rescuer, but it gets old real fast, believe me. I don't ever want to be in that position, on either side of the equation.

So in summary, the better my money matters are all on their own, the more they can remain completely out of the seduction equation.

Unless some guy is intimidated by the fact that I'm 27 and I live in a nice Manhattan apartment with real furniture. In that case, I can't help him. :)

[Melissa Blundell Osorio]

"Unless some guy is intimidated by the fact that I'm 27 and I live in a nice Manhattan apartment with real furniture. In that case, I can't help him."

Oh no! Please tell me there is a seductive tactic to deal with this. I feel that my main target is somewhat intimidated by what I have accomplished. At the very least, my success just highlights what he himself has not accomplished. (We are both in our early twenties, so success at this stage is defined as having your own place, living independently.)

I don't hold his perceived lack of success against him. I like that he has the ambition and it just happened that I was in a situation where it was not an option for me to live with family – I had no choice but to live on my own. But this, combined with preexisting self-esteem/self-worth issues I think just makes him feel bad when he’s around me. Which is NOT GOOD. And despite my efforts to validate him, I think he just doesn’t feel like he’s my equal.

So, my questions is, is there a way to seduce someone if they don't feel that they're good enough?

[Arden Leigh]

Ugh... I am working on it, believe me! Haha! Actually maybe this would be a great thing for us to game out together.

Part of me says that guys who are intimidated by our quality of living are weeding themselves out and so much the better. I get really frustrated when a guy gets weird about my spoiling him from time to time -- a relationship is just not worth having if I can't go to the mall and think about what I might buy him in the men's clothing department. And that's all about what *I* get out of it, by the way -- not at all about buying over my target.

But part of me also knows that we want the guys we're attracted to, and we don't want them to weed themselves out.

I think James would pipe in here and say that the best strategy would be to offer him, in an indirect manner, the way toward his own success. I don't mean to do that by supporting him financially or physically making career moves for him, both of which would be emasculating. It's rather that you believe in him, and that you reflect back to him a mirror image of his future self where he is already on the road to achieving his goals. You act as though it is obvious that all this is going to happen for him, and when he's around you, he starts to believe it.

You also have to make sure that your validating doesn't come off as condescending. Rather than go out of your way to make him feel good, just operate within the frame that you both already know how awesome he is. "You're so _____... but surely you must know that already" -- and then playfully bust his chops for it a bit.

You can also make sure he knows that he has a lot to offer you that isn't financially related. Do things together that don't cost money, find things to do where you are on equal ground. Go a step further and do things where he is allowed to be the expert. I don't know the guy, but say he's an art student... go to a museum and let him lecture you on the artists whose work you see.

I don't know. I feel like I've taken this strategy before and the seduction didn't play out in the way I wanted it to, but since there were a lot of other messed-up factors happening, I can't say that it was this strategy that made it go wrong either. There were a lot of variables at play and ultimately it was impossible to tell which one tipped the scale in the wrong direction. I wish I knew.

But try this out for me and then let me know how it goes. I expect a full report! ;)

[mr big dicks hot chicks]

If you weren't getting your cap, you knew that you had to try something else, something different, and you kept trying new tactics until you finally got your partner in the state where you wanted them. After that, all you had to do was to maintain it.