A Weapon of Mass Seduction

Update on the Status Quo

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone out there who has been sending me such great feedback on the blog and positive thoughts lately!  I've had a lot of questions about the direction that Sirens is going in and when we will start holding our official events again, and so here's a quick update on what's going on:

Right now it looks like we will have our official launch in the early new year, likely with a great kickoff party featuring both burlesque as well as seduction mini-seminars (though James and I are still available for private coaching until then).  In the meantime I am working on getting some branding and media work done to lay the groundwork for the events.  Still in meetings about the book and it looks like it's really going to move forward.  In addition, a new development has come up recently -- I've had meetings with a network television producer who believes that my material would translate well to TV.  Nothing's signed in blood, of course, but it feels great to be acknowledged.  And lastly, the founder of LoveSystems (formerly Mystery Method Corp) has reached out to me to talk shop, which is very cool and fun.

So it is not likely that there will be any public events until January at this point, but please keep staying tuned on the blog and know that I will be reachable here by email for any specific inquiries.  Also keep an eye out for the official website launch, which should be within the month! 

And thanks again for all the continued feedback.  Please keep your emails coming, and stay tuned for more "unofficial" events and free office hours.

A Guy's Guide to Seducing Arden Leigh... or, Pay Attention!

My name is Arden Leigh, and if you have been following both my blogs and my Facebook updates, you probably know the following about me:

1.  I have a weakness for words.  Written words especially, but the spoken kind will also suffice.

2.  My current fantasy crush is Patrick Jane from The Mentalist.  Not Simon Baker the actor, but Patrick Jane, the character he plays.  And also Derren Brown, who is a real person, but is unfortunately (for me) gay, or at least highly rumored to be.  

3.  I'm into rockabilly.   

4.  I love Iggy Pop.  

5.  I have a weakness for a certain amount of LARPiness.  In moderation, anyway.  (LARP = Live Action Role Play, or Dungeons and Dragons in the Park.  LARPiness therefore applies to the aesthetic of Ren faires, pirates, SCA, and all that sort of ridiculous nerdy fantasia.)   

6.  I love Johnny Depp.  Also Tim Burton.  

7.  I also love author Robert Greene.

8.  I like good food.

9.  I like good scotch.

10.  I like beautiful lingerie.

11.  I tend to hang out at Three of Cups in the east village.

How do you know this about me?  I'll tell you how:

1.  I admitted my weakness for words in my blog post "The World Through His Eyes."  But you could probably also tell that from my being a Facebook fan of a company called Write Bloody Publishing.

2.  I have been Facebook updating about The Mentalist and my huge crush on Patrick Jane, and I have mentioned Derren Brown on my Facebook and my blog.

3.  There are pictures all over my Facebook of me at the Viva Las Vegas convention from '06, '07, and '08, as well as events posted of me singing with a New York rockabilly band.

4.  There's a picture on my Facebook of me kissing a picture of Iggy Pop, and I've made some references to lines in his songs.

5.  I not only admitted to a weakness for a streak of LARPiness in the comment section of one of my blogs, but I've also admitted on Facebook that I'm very excited about possibly attending the upcoming Dances of Vice event, which is pirate/mermaid/sailor/castaway-themed. 

6.  You know about Johnny Depp from my blog entry, and Tim Burton from the "movies" section on my Facebook profile.

7.  You know about Robert Greene from a Facebook Top 5 and also from the "books" section on my profile.

8.  You know I like good food because I've Facebook updated about going to Dylan Prime and said in a Top 5 that I secretly wish I could attend culinary school.

9.  There's a picture of me covetously holding a new bottle of Lagavulin, a name only serious scotch drinkers know.

10.  The lingerie part should be obvious from most of my modeling photos, but for good measure there's a photo of me at the Agent Provocateur in London and another of me at the Chantal Thomass in Paris. 

11.  Three of Cups is the only bar/restaurant of which I'm a Facebook fan.

What can you deduce about me from these conclusions?  More importantly, what can you deduce from these conclusions if you're looking to seduce me?

First, it's probably pretty obvious that I'm into vintage rock and roll type guys, since I like rockabilly and Iggy Pop.  I probably go for guys with a lot of tattoos, and who either wear cowboy shirts and pompadours or tight pants and eyeliner.  You can also tell I like rock and roll boys since I hang out a lot at Three of Cups (a divey rock and roll bar).  Since I admit to liking Patrick Jane, Derren Brown, and Robert Greene, I clearly like guys who are aggressively smart and who seem to have mental superpowers combined with a sort of harmless amorality.  Add in my love of Iggy Pop and Johnny Depp, and you can assume I also have a weakness for guys who are rebellious, possessed of an amiable disdain for conventional society, and generally all-around badboys.  My weakness for words and LARPiness in moderation means I will be more likely to fall for a guy if he can talk like he walked out of a Harlequin novel.  See also, Tim Burton: I'm compelled by an element of dark fantasia.  My love for good food and good scotch means I'm a bit of an epicurean.  My love of lingerie points to both epicureanism as well as fantasia.  And the fact that I've shopped for lingerie in London and Paris should tell you quite a bit too.

So how would you use this knowledge if you were planning on seducing me?  Based on the aforementioned conclusions, how would you dress if we were meeting for dinner?  Where would you take me for dinner?  Do you think I'd be up for doing something adventurous, maybe even a little dangerous, afterward?  Or would I prefer to simply see a movie with you?  What sort of compliments would you pay me, and how would you say them?  Do you think I would mind if you acted a little cocky, or would I mind more if you acted self-deprecating?  Am I going to care more about what's in your bank account, or about what you're passionate about?  Could you imagine what an ideal evening would be like for me?  How about an ideal weekend getaway?  (Here's a hint: it wouldn't be a hike on a nature trail.  In fact you should at this point doubt whether I even own sneakers.)

I bet you probably have a pretty decent idea by now of what I'm like, what I'm into, and what would turn me on.  And you need not have even met me yet -- all of this was readily available on my blog and on my Facebook profile.  Imagine what more you could conclude about me if we actually had an in-person conversation.

I'm mentioning this for two reasons:

1.  It turns out that there are apparently a lot of guys reading my blog, and as a fan of seduction as an overall concept I don't mind giving them a bit of an upper hand if they thought they might want to take a shot at me... being seduced well is an exciting experience.

2.  For the rest of you ladies out there, I guarantee you that the guys that you're interested in are dropping the same kinds of clues left and right.  What's my point?  PAY ATTENTION.

Yes, PAY ATTENTION.  With today's social media networking sites, there is likely a plethora of information out there that your target is inadvertently leaving about himself.  (Remember, internet stalking is not really stalking as long as you don't admit to it.  People post stuff about themselves on the internet all the time out of their own free will; it's free game once it's there.  Just don't mention you looked.)  There's even more information you can pick up when you're in person, but you'll have to catch it fast, as those tiny clues about preferences and turn-ons and inspirations drop in the briefest of conversational moments and then disappear just seconds later.  In-person conversational interactions are not nearly as static as someone's blog or profile, so you have to catch the details quickly.  Moreover, look at your target's home, or style of dress, or what he keeps in his car.  Clues abound everywhere.  This is part of the reason that I love The Mentalist so much.  The character of Patrick Jane astounds everyone with the conclusions he draws, but really he's just a master of observation.  He has learned to look to the details.

In seduction, you MUST MUST MUST put your focus on the other person.  Not just to appear as though you are a good listener (although being a good listener is important too), but to find out what makes them tick and to exploit it.  Yes, exploit it.  Don't think that it won't be enjoyable for them -- think about how amazing it would be if someone who possessed all the qualities of your ideal fantasy figure came into your life and seduced you.  You would love it.  So will your targets.

Start by simply making observations about your target, and note them to yourself.  Perhaps write them down somewhere in a small notebook that you can keep hidden.  What song was playing on his ipod?  What did he order at the bar?  What logo was on his t-shirt?  Eventually you will start to see patterns emerge, and with time and practice the conclusions you draw from them will improve in accuracy.

This is all so that you can arm yourself with the tools to seduce your target.  I don't know your target; I've probably never met him.  So unless you want to sit and tell me about him for hours (and I suppose that is possible via private coaching), you are going to have to learn the skill set of observation to find out his likes, dislikes, turn-ons, and inspirations.  And you are going to have to use that information to tailor your own choices accordingly. 

Remember, I'm not giving you a fish.  I'm teaching you to fish -- and to catch.

Say What's True

When I was in acting school back in college, we had an entire class for two whole semesters that was based on one exercise -- Repetition, created by Sanford Meisner.  I suppose I don't have to stress how useful our teachers thought this exercise was since they made us take two semesters' worth of classes on it.  The exercise itself was fairly simple: You would sit across from your partner, look them in the eyes, and say something that was true about them.  They would then say something to you that was true about you (or, if they couldn't think of something to say in time to keep with the rhythm of the exercise, they could repeat back what you had said about them and you could go back and forth until someone noticed something else true about the other person).  And you would both continue on in this manner.

So it sounded something a little like this:

A.  You're wearing a blue shirt.
B.  I'm wearing a blue shirt.
A.  You dress well.
B.  I dress well.
A.  You dress well.
B.  You're being nice.
A.  You're smiling.
B.  I'm smiling.
A.  You're happy that I'm being nice.
B.  I'm happy that you're being nice.
A.  You're happy that I'm being nice.
B.  You're laughing.
A.  I'm laughing.
B.  You think something's funny.

Someday I will hold a Repetition class for people who want to study seduction.  I'm pretty sure no other exercise could be as useful as this is.  Yeah, it sounds dumb when you're reading it, but bear with me.

What's great about what happens in Repetition is that since you have to keep observing the other person, not only do you notice how quickly their state changes as each moment passes, but you also learn how to evaluate the meanings behind those states.  As an example, in the above exchange, "You're smiling" quickly means "You're happy."  "You're laughing" quickly means "You think something's funny."  Now these are very obvious conclusions, but as you keep repeating with the same partner for sometimes hours at a time, those conclusions begin to run deeper.  You will notice the slightest twinge in the eyebrows and you will state it out loud and then realize the truth behind it. "You're furrowing your brow.  You're deciding whether you're slightly annoyed.  You didn't like what I said."  Of course the moment you notice it, the moment has already passed and there's a new truth: "You're smiling now.  You don't want to come off like you were annoyed.  You want me to see you as friendly."  Or whatever.

James has been bugging me to study the Facial Action Coding System, the thought process behind decoding people's facial expressions and the basis for the new series Lie to Me.  And I probably will study it eventually, but for now I'm pretty sure that just practicing Repetition for two semesters at acting school was nearly just as useful in decoding the truths behind the sensory observations that you can make about a person.  Seriously, if you have a seduction wingwoman, someone with whom can you talk about seduction strategies and philosophy, meet once a week somewhere to do some Repetition.

It's funny how when I was an actress, every so often I'd run across a man who'd say, "I'm afraid of dating actresses, because how will I ever know if they're telling the truth?"  The irony of that was that acting is all about telling the truth.  The truth is usually all actors ever know, and that's why they can come off so intense sometimes.  The only thing that those men should have been afraid of was that my acting skills would have made me observant enough to call them out on their bullshit.  Which brings me to my next point.

Learning to recognize what's true about someone will help you reach your goals with them as you will be given a constant feedback loop as to how you're affecting their state, which you can use to tailor your actions according to the state that you want them in.  Recently I was out with someone and bought him a drink, and when he told me I was being a bad influence, I replied with, "It's a glass of wine, don't be such a pussy!"  Me thinking, of course, that I was giving permission to access a pleasure state and therefore spiking excitement -- but all he heard was the insult.  And I knew because I saw a very brief but (to me) very apparent flash of displeasure across his face.  Thank you, Repetition.  I quickly changed tack; in milliseconds my posture and expression became more coy and less aggressive, and after that one change, I saw him soften up once again.  Had I really been keying in, I would have been on my game enough to point it out to him: "Ooh, you didn't like my saying that.  I'm just joking around, don't take me so seriously."  (Most of the time when you point someone's state out to them, they will become self-conscious about it, which in itself is an immediate change of state, so pointing out a negative state out loud is often a good idea as they'll switch to a neutral and then you can move on to elicit a positive.)

(Is this making sense so far?  I feel like a lot of this is quite complicated to put into writing as so much of what goes into reading someone is strictly visual.)

Moreover, being able to observe and understand the truth about your target's state is crucial to knowing where your windows of opportunity lie.  A while back I had been hanging out with a certain target, and one late night we went out to find a place that would still be serving food.  It happened that the only place we could find was an obviously romantic dimly lit lounge with big leather sofas, and halfway through our first drink a moment passed where my target looked at me and then looked away with an awkward half-smile.  It was so fleeting that most people probably would have missed it, but I didn't.  "What was that?" I asked him. "What was that moment that just happened?"  He replied, "Well, this is the first time we've been out in a place like this, and for the first time it kinda feels like we're on a date."  "Okay," I said, "why does that make you a little uncomfortable?"  He started to stammer a reply, but I cut him off.  "Would you feel less uncomfortable if I did this?" I asked, and then immediately kissed him. It broke the tension he was feeling and it was a really good kiss.  It also ended up being a really good date and a really good several-months-long affair.  Learn to read what's true about your target and you will know when to kiss, when to shut up, when to listen, when to pump excitement, when to do whatever your target requires in whatever moment for whatever state you want to elicit in him.

Plus seriously, it feels really good to call someone out on something they thought you wouldn't notice, something maybe they didn't even notice themselves.  Not out of pride or smugness, but just because nearly all of my seductions have involved a moment or two like this.  For some reason I can't explain exactly why it's so important except to say that it is so rare.  So often your targets' other dates are so wrapped up in themselves that they're just not paying enough attention to catch these things, and when you do, you will prove yourself a rare specimen. 

Staying in the moment is so key to seduction that you simply have to make it a habit of your everyday existence.  Learn to say what is true about the other person with you, in almost any situation.  I had a job interview once where my potential employer was late for our meeting by almost an hour, and when he arrived in a frazzle I said to him, "You seem a little stressed out, have you been having a long day?"  Weeks and months after I was hired he still reacted positively to seeing me, because in a situation where I was supposed to be nervous and self-conscious, I instead showed that I cared about how he was doing.  You really just can't go wrong with observing people and saying what's true about their inner state. 

And finally, learning to observe and state what is true, even if it's something really simple, will make all your approaches so much easier.  James once was winging for a friend and opened a girl for him by saying to her, "How come you're having a beer instead of drinking a cosmo like your friends are?  You must be the rebel of the group."  It was a perfect approach because it wasn't canned -- and for the record, James's friend is still dating the girl.

So get out of your head and start looking at the person across from you.  Don't go on a first date and spend the whole time looking upwards at the invisible talking points you have in your head of things you think this guy has to know about you -- look at him and observe.  Sure, you can talk about yourself, it's expected on some level -- but stay keyed in to the other person and don't lose that focus.  Discern his reactions.  Tailor accordingly.  Practice until you get the reaction you want.  This is so important I can't stress it enough.

In the second semester of Repetition we added another element to the exercise.  This time, instead of merely stating what was true about our partner, we could add imperative commands.  So it would sound like, "You're annoyed.  Don't be annoyed.  Be happy.  Stay present.  Live it up."  The imperative commands and all the nonverbal communication that went along with them were designed to get our partner to a certain goal state, which was called "getting your cap" -- once your partner was behaving exactly how you wanted them to, you had gotten your cap.  If you weren't getting your cap, you knew that you had to try something else, something different, and you kept trying new tactics until you finally got your partner in the state where you wanted them.  After that, all you had to do was to maintain it.

I suppose I don't have to stress how useful THAT was.

Nominate Me!

Nominate ardenleigh.typepad.com for Most Inspiring to Follow on the Mashable Open Web Awards! http://ow.ly/wPuF

It only takes ten seconds and you can sign in with your Twitter or Facebook account.  In fact, email me afterwards telling me you've nominated me multiple times (you can do so once a day) and maybe I'll let you in on a secret seminar. 

Do the Opposite

By far my favorite product development this year has been Haagen Dazs' new "Five" line of ice creams.  If you haven't yet heard of them, they're a series of flavors that each have only five ingredients in them -- milk, cream, sugar, eggs, and then whatever is the featured flavor.  And they are incredible.  They are some of the most delicious ice creams I have ever tasted.  They're soft, they're creamy, they're pure, they don't freeze so hard that you have to thaw them for twenty minutes before you can even get a spoon in, their flavors are potent and natural and so good you have to take a moment to savor the aftertaste on your tongue for a second or two after a bite's gone down.

But the reason I like them so much is actually more philosophical than gustatory.  Whoever is in charge of HD's marketing is a genius.  When every other ice cream company out there is putting more and more stuff into their products, when Ben & Jerry's is blending flavors together so that there are twice the toppings in one pint, when Coldstone is featuring a line-up of forty different mix-ins that you can put in your ice cream, when adding "swirls" is being replaced by adding full-on caramel "cores" -- Haagen Dazs said, "We aren't going to compete with you by trying to add even more into our ice creams.  Instead, we are going to compete with you by taking things out."

And they did.  They created a line of ice creams with only five ingredients each.  And the result is awesome.

But Arden, you're saying at this point, what on earth does this have to do with seduction?  Learn this: When everyone is doing one thing, and doing more and more of it, do the opposite.  (This is why there will never be any glitter in my burlesque performances.)  You need to stand out, and you never will if you are doing what everyone else around you is doing.

So if every girl in the club is hitting on your crush, be aloof.  If no one's approaching him, start up a conversation.  If everyone's getting drunk swinging on a pole, write in your journal in the corner.  But if no one's making any bold moves, be the first on the dance floor.

That's all, really.  Pretty simple principle for tonight's entry.  But learn it and do it.

Facebook Anyone?

I have about a million burlesque friends on my facebook and almost no seduction community friends.  If you're on facebook, find me under arden@seductionsirens.com and friend request me, and mention in your friend request that you're into seduction and name me which school of thought you most subscribe to (Mystery Method, Speed Seduction, Robert Greene, or even just what your favorite seduction book is).  I don't accept every friend request from people I don't know, so definitely mention what sector of the seduction community you're from and then I'll add you. 

The Utility of Pain

A few months ago I sat down to lunch with acclaimed author Karen Salmansohn (Be Happy Dammit, The Clitourist, and many others) to discuss the publishing industry and the topics of our upcoming dating/self-improvement books.  She told me that her latest book, which she was just finishing writing that week, was entitled Prince Harming Syndrome, and that it was about the kind of men that a woman ought to avoid dating and the questions that a woman ought to ask in order to discern her potential mate's true character.

"For example," she explained, "it's important that a man you want to get in a relationship with be commitment-minded in the first place."

This caused me to raise a skeptical eyebrow.  After all, one of the reasons I do what I do is that many men that we're attracted to are not naturally commitment-minded, and so for me, to have to screen every potential partner and let only the guys who already want a relationship slip through the filter is rather like telling a game hunter that he can only get his venison from the grocery store.  In my mind, dating coaches who tell you to only date guys who are seeking committed relationships simply don't have a strong enough strategy to win over the more elusive types we often seem to want, so they tell you to go point your rifle at a bunch of fish in a barrel and then congratulate themselves on their great coaching when you come back with one.

I'm a little prone to extremism when I get on my many seduction soapboxes.  In particular, I've really taken the philosophy from the previous entry Female Entitlement (i.e., that if we're not getting the response we want in our targets, it is OUR responsibility to change our tactics in order to get a more desirable outcome) to what I've realized may be a slightly unhealthy degree.  It's come to the point where if a target is consistently late or flaky in meeting me, I start to wonder where I went wrong in my strategizing and what I'm doing or not doing that is causing him to lack the sufficient enthusiasm to show up on time to be with me... when maybe in reality, the guy is just a flake and I ought to cut myself some slack.  I still maintain that it's smart and effective to take responsibility for the response you are getting from your target, but when it crosses the line into blaming yourself for a guy's irresponsible behavior, it ceases to be healthy.

Rejection -- both the outright kind as well as the subtler, more silent and nonresponsive version -- has ironically become far more difficult for me since I began coaching and writing about seduction.  Before I began purporting myself to be a seduction supervillain, rejection only held run-of-the-mill feelings of lost hope and heartache; now, as if those weren't bad enough, it threatens not only my romantic security but also my confidence in my professional life and my entire sense of identity.  If I so much as get stood up or blown off, a destructive little voice in me pipes up with, "HA! Who are you to call yourself a professional seductress if you can't even get your target to keep a date with you?"  And all of a sudden the entire foundation I've built my life upon seems shaky and illusory, all because some jerk couldn't be responsible enough to keep his plans with me.  Something is wrong with that picture.

My point is that I still stand by everything I wrote last time -- that we have to take ownership of the effects we have in our targets and choose to be proactive in in our pursuits -- but that I've also come to realize that we can't blame ourselves for the inner character traits of certain targets who may be naturally prone to treating others with less than the requisite amount of respect. 

In high school, my Latin teacher tried to explain to us the utility behind pain.  She had had a severely disabled child who, because of part of his illness, was incapable of feeling physical pain.  "At first it sounds great," she said; "no pain, what a great life.  But it is through pain that our bodies telegraph to us what is not functioning properly -- without pain, we could walk around on a broken ankle forever and never allow it the time it needs to heal.  Pain tells us what we need to address in order to be sure that we are functioning properly."  Now granted, she was using this analogy to try to explain to us that if our Latin translations didn't make any sense when read in English that there was probably a good reason for it.  But it applies to our relationships as well -- if our interactions with someone are continually causing us pain, that is a good signal that something is very wrong in the relationship.

There was a target in my life with whom I had built plenty of attraction and connection, but whose flakiness and lack of willingness to communicate were frustrating me to no end.  When we were with each other I felt amazing -- the world was brighter, magic seemed to happen, things like signs and menu items were funny.  But for every blissful moment there was also a stretch of devastating bleakness and insecurity, wondering each time whether he would show up or write back or otherwise communicate like a normal human being.  I had gained so much ground, and I was coming so close, but always, always there was this gut-twisting fear that I was simply not important enough to him in the end.  And it was awful -- it was so supremely painful and I tore myself apart wondering where I'd gone wrong, why after all this time he still didn't seem to care enough about me to know when he was hurting me.  And then I realized that that insecurity would never go away in our relationship, no matter how much attraction and connection I built, because his noncommunicativeness was simply a part of his nature.  He could tell me he loves me, he could move in with me, he could marry me -- he would still make me wait and not return my calls. 

I have vowed to stop judging people solely by their apparent qualities and to begin judging them by how they make me feel.  I don't like myself much when I'm feeling insecure, and I've worked very hard to achieve the kind of life where I don't need to feel that way very often, so when someone is consistently bringing that out in me, I have to question whether it's worth having them in my little world.  It is so very easy for us to look at a man and remark about how wonderful he is because he is so smart, funny, attractive, charismatic, successful, you name it -- but if we feel awful about ourselves every time we have an interaction with him, maybe he's not so wonderful after all.  Do yourself a favor and ask yourself early on if you can live through a relationship with the way your potential partner is making you feel.  Things tend to be easiest at the very beginning, so if you're feeling pain at the start, maybe that's your relationship's way of telling you that it has a metaphorical broken ankle or that something is getting lost in translation.

I will make you a promise, as your seduction sage, that I will never tell you not to go after a certain target, because I know that sometimes a certain person walks into our lives and we crave him so potently that giving up on that hope of being with him feels like resigning ourselves to utter lifelessness.  I know that, and I will never tell you, "Don't pursue that man."  Because chances are you probably won't listen to me anyway.  So when you insist, I will give you my best seduction strategies in order to give you the best possible chance of success with whomever you want.  But I will warn you that no matter how sharp your seduction tactics, some people out there are going to cause you far more pain than the pleasure they bring you is worth, and I will beg you to spare yourself the hurt, torment, and self-doubt that they are going to cause you.  Some people, at least at the present stage in their lives, are unwilling to render themselves capable of making the kind of loving connection that you need, and that is not your fault.  That is no reflection on you whatsoever.

Anyway, I recently got in contact with my friend Karen Salmansohn again and told her that I was reinspired by her book, which I'm about halfway through at this point.  I told her that while I wasn't ready to cop to any badboy bachelor being completely off-limits to seduction, I did finally realize that some of them simply aren't worth seducing.  And that her book is incredibly valuable for women who are looking for the ways to discern the wheat from the chaff.  I highly recommend it, and I also recommend that you check out more of her great advice on her blog, notsalmon.com.  She's a smart woman with a lot to say.

And in the meantime, temper what I said last time with a small grain of salt and cut yourself some slack for your targets' actions.  You can seduce people, but you can't change them.

No patience for audio? You can READ my interviews now!

Hi guys,

Just wanted to let you know that you can now READ the transcripts of my interviews with PersonalLifeMedia.com!  I personally like the audio files, since reading something someone's written and reading something someone's said off the cuff are very different things (oh how I wish I could speak in the same pithy, tight-knit grammar in which I write), but if you're a more visual learner, the transcript might be a more favorable option.

Here are the links:

Expanded Lovemaking Episode 101: Seducing the Man of Your Dreams with Arden Leigh

Expanded Lovemaking Episode 102: Sexy, Outrageous, Exotic, Adorable - Your Personal Brand with Arden Leigh

Sex, Love, and Intimacy Episode 96: Sexy Seduction with Arden Leigh

Just scroll down past the audio options and you can read the full transcripts of the interview there on the page.  Enjoy!!

 

Female Entitlement

If I could, I would probably eliminate the word "should" from the English language.  It causes far more problems than it is worth.

In the past several weeks I have encountered an abnormally high number of situations concerning female entitlement, in which the word "should" is either implied or outright stated by women regarding the behaviors of their male partners or targets.  "Should" happens when our view of a just world is in direct conflict with the actual world we see before us. And rather than attempt whatever is in our power to change it for the better, we decide merely to complain about it since we are "right" and it is the world's responsibility to change to suit us.  The inherent irony however is that being "right" is often a miserable experience, since we are then stuck in a world that isn't the way we want it, and the only comfort we have is our indignance.

Ladies, I could agree with you about your "shoulds," which is often what you want me to do... you will sit there with me and you will want the typical girlfriendly compassion that involves me saying, "You're right, he SHOULD do that.  He SHOULD behave that way.  Shame on him.  What a bad guy."  And then we will sip our cosmos and snarl at any guy who approaches us at the bar.

And maybe, if an objective and impartial system of justice existed in the universe, maybe you WOULD be right.  Maybe in an objective reality, he really SHOULD do whatever it is you think he should do.  But I wouldn't be doing you any favors by commiserating with you and encouraging your indignance.  You would still be stuck in the miserable situation of being "right" and being mad about it. 

So instead, I turn to you and say, "Okay, so what are you going to do about it?"  And you get mad at me because you think that I'm implying that it's your fault that your man is behaving in this awful way (as if there is such a thing as "fault" in the world, or, if there is, as if it's at all useful to us in any way).  Well, I'm not -- but wouldn't you feel better overall if you could believe that you were capable of taking control of the situation in order to get the results that you want?  (I know I do.  That's why I do what I do.)

There's a tenet in NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) that goes like this: The meaning of your communication is the response that you get.  This means that whatever sort of reaction that you get from the person you're communicating with (verbally or nonverbally) is a direct result of the message you've put out there.  If you don't like the response, change the message.  If what you're doing isn't working, do something else -- anything else -- until you get something that's closer to what you're looking for.

Trust me, once you let go of your desire to be "right," you will open yourself up to a whole new world of possibilities and empowerment.

Alright, let's get to some examples.  These are the most common "shoulds" that I hear from women about their guys:

1. Sexual Entitlement: "He Should Want To Sleep With Me"

"He has a penis; I have a vagina.  All men want sex.  Therefore, he should want to sleep with me, and if he doesn't, something is wrong with the world."  I have heard this horror story more times than I'd like to recall.  I even heard a story of a woman who, in attempting to sleep with a guy she liked, literally pounced on him and had to be pushed off.  (In my mind's eye, I always picture him behaving like a cat that doesn't want to be held, when it straightens its arms out in order to avoid contact -- "Nooooo!" -- and her then falling off the couch.  And then I laugh, a lot.  Ladies, don't let this happen to you.) 

What's particularly awful about this is what an awful double standard this is.  What if men felt this sort of sexual entitlement regarding women?  What if a man physically pounced on the girl in the above story, expecting sex from her?  Right, that'd be called attempted rape.  Yet we so often allow ourselves to subscribe to this kind of misandric entitlement that allows us to feel wronged at sexual rejection.  (Just as an example of what a double standard we have these days, have you even HEARD the word misandric lately?  Do you even know what it means?  I know I had to google "opposite of misogynist" in order to find the right word.) 

Rather than that, why don't we take some responsibility for our own sexual attractiveness?  And I don't just mean the typical mores that women are probably going to immediately think of -- go to the gym, lose more weight, go out wearing makeup, dress nicely -- although seriously, those don't hurt -- I mean taking responsibility for creating a persona and an environment that are conducive to sexual seduction.  I've long thought about the multiple strategies that the aforementioned woman could have taken to achieve her goal far more effectively than pouncing... remember the previous entry where I talked about patience?  Yeah, that.

2.  Exclusivity Entitlement: "He Should Be My Boyfriend By Now"

It's like there's this unspoken contract that women expect when they start seeing a guy: "Alright, we're dating, and I'm putting out, gee it's been a few months now, isn't he my boyfriend now??"  Time and exclusivity do not necessarily go hand in hand.  Often a guy thinks to himself, "Hey, we have a good thing going here, why ruin it?"  Yet all of a sudden the girl he's with starts making the assumption that they are no longer seeing other people, even though there has been no spoken negotiation about it. 

Know this: one of the most appealing things about sex is novelty, so if a guy has the option of having a woman by his side for support, confidence, and consistency, while still having sexual access to whatever nubile young thing crosses his path, he will probably take it.  (In my opinion, this is not always a bad thing -- in fact, stay tuned for my next entry where I'll expound upon my thoughts on monogamy, lack thereof, and everything in between -- but I understand why women want exclusivity and so I'm prepared to teach you how to get it.)  If this is not the arrangement you want, you're going to have to work on adding enough value and creating enough leverage to where you are able to set the terms for the relationship. 

That's right, it is YOUR responsibility to be wanted by him enough for him to be exclusive with you.  Also, let's do the math, ladies -- as strictly a numbers game, if a guy is seeing several women, he can't be ALL of their boyfriends by the time they each hit the three month mark.  If you want exclusivity from him, you're going to have to go out of your way to create something that he wants and wants alone.

3.  Relationship Entitlement: "He Should Do XYZ Because He Is My Boyfriend"

But he isn't, and your solution is to... complain to your girlfriends about it?  Whatever it is that you want out of your relationship, you have to be prepared to set your terms once you've created enough value and leverage that he is certain he wants to be with you.  Then you must be able to clearly state those terms and explain to him what they mean to you.  If he is a stand-up guy and if he cares about you, chances are he will comply with most of your reasonable demands, as long as you know how to communicate them without placing blame or throwing a hissy fit.

If he doesn't, then you have to be prepared to walk away -- at least if what you're asking is that important to you.  Yes, walk away -- because if you are willing to stay no matter how someone behaves toward you, then you are setting the standard that they get to treat you however they like and still keep you.  You have two choices, and three possible outcomes: The first choice is to stay with him and decide that whatever you were asking wasn't worth sacrificing the relationship.  The second choice is to decide that you do not want to be in a relationship without whatever you were asking for, and to leave.

The three possible outcomes then look like this:  1.) You stay, and you don't get what you want, but you accept that and decide that you can be happy without it.  2.) You leave, and you find a new relationship with someone who freely gives you what you want.  3.) You leave, and he comes back, realizing that you were serious, offering to give you what you want if you'll stay.

But complaining about his behavior is going to accomplish none of those things.

    *    *    *

When in doubt, it does you no favors to use the word "should" or to complain about being "right."  Taking responsibility for the reactions you get around you will put you in a place of empowerment and allow you to create the situations around you that you want.

In Praise of Patience

Hello internet, welcome back!  I took a vacation the last week in August (again to London, it was fabulous), and after my return to New York my internet at home had been down until yesterday.  Of course, I had a million blog ideas between then and now, and now most of them have disappeared into the ether.  For what it's worth, thank you for bearing with my absence for a few weeks.

I'm going to keep tonight's entry short, but despite its brevity I believe it's an important subject.

Recently a friend and I were discussing the need for patience in seduction, that there are times when it is necessary to wait for your target to come to you rather than to initiate contact -- and, rest assured, you WILL run into your target again, whether he contacts you or whether the two of you run into each other at a social gathering.  My friend asked me how I managed to summon so much patience when the lure of immediate gratification is often so strong in any romantic interlude.

Simple.  I know that I am in it for the long-term gain, and I don't sell out for the short-term one.  I have learned, over time, to actually enjoy the act of patience because I know the kind of results I'm going to get from it.  I relish patience.  I revel in it. 

I watch so many women make decisions when they are emotional, and they just end up being ticking time bombs ruining their own best interests in their haste.  Instant gratification is just that -- instant -- and once it's gone, you will realize that you've damaged your chances of long-term satisfaction.

Don't get me wrong; there is a time to strike.  But it will make itself apparent to you.  If the moment hasn't arrived yet, you either need to orchestrate it in a manner that completely covers your tracks, or you need to wait it out.  Set the bait, build attraction, refine your brand, build your reputation within your social circle.  Let the others burst, sputter, and fade.  You will still be standing to reap the harvest in the end.